12w3d

No u/s today as promised. The tech was there and no room to fit me in :( He promised one at the next appt., which is Jan 22 at 4pm!

BUT...did get to hear the heartbeat for the first time. 161 beats per minute!

Just about to head out the door, so my coat is on...but here's my latest pic :)

Excited for Second Trimester!

The last few days or so, I have become obsessed with when I will start showing. It's hard enough for me to believe that I am pregnant most days...and that fact that I'm almost 12 weeks. Time has just been flying by! I'm so excited for the second trimester. To feel better. To start showing. To find out the gender. So many great things coming and I just can't wait! I've got all next week off paid, as well as the Monday and Tuesday afterwards. I can't wait to be able to sleep in and just relax!

Well, this is going to be a short post. I'm at work and need to try and get a few more things done today and try to wrap things up over the next couple days. My dad and step-mom are driving in this Friday and we'll be having our Christmas on Saturday. Sunday we will likely go to DH's mom's for Christmas. Christmas Day, his dad will be coming over to our house (we bought him a grill and can't move it lol)...then we'll likely go back to his house for the day and veg out and eat...all day long. Then our next appt. is Dec. 26th at 10am. So excited! Will update with a pic soon :)

10w5d

Today is kind of a special day. Not because it's an anniversary per say. It was the point in my first pregnancy when I found out that I wouldn't be taking a baby home. 10w5d.

It was that morning, August 5th, 2011, that I woke up so excited to be going to my first prenatal appointment. I was the first appointment of the morning and DH went with me. I was ecstatic that I had to pee as soon as I arrived. And excited that no one else was waiting. I would get to be called back first.

A few minutes passed and the nurse called us back. She started going on medical histories and then discussing different tests that we may or may not want. At the end, she handed me a bag filled with pamplets, and somehow it came up that I had been spotting brown for a few weeks. Her face changed and she went to speak with the doctor. She came back and ushered us to the u/s room because the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

It was at this point that DH started getting nervous that something was wrong. I was trying to stay positive and just kept looking up at the screen on the wall with my name on it. I kept saying "we're going to get to see George up there pretty soon."

Finally the doctor came in and the room was filled with silence.

I kept staring up at the screen waiting for something to appear. Finally, I saw a black area. But there was nothing inside of it. I didn't know what this meant, but finally the doctor said "there is a sac but it is empty. Maybe you aren't as far along as you think." Which I knew not to be true. It had been nearly 6 weeks since I  got a BFP. There should've been something on the screen. Instead of him listening to me, he just said I was to go get blood drawn that day, then again on Monday, and we'd decide what to do from there.

We left the office in tears. Both of us. I went to get blood drawn even though I knew what the result was going to be.

I will never forget that day and all the days that followed. The extremely painful miscarriage that began 3 days later. The ER staff ignoring me and allowing me to practically bleed out in the bathroom. The cold ER doctor who pulled a trash can over to rid of the content that still clung to my cervix. And my OB that never even showed up, just told the ER staff that I wouldn't be needing a D&C. Then the eventual D&C a couple weeks later.

Most of all, I will never forget what it felt like to be a mom for those few short weeks. What it felt like to love someone that I had never met unconditionally. And what it felt like to lose the most precious gift I had ever been given.

Holy Bloat!

I've offically outgrown my work pants. I can't tell you how weird it is to walk about with your pants unbuttoned! :)

I know it's not baby yet and I was a tiny bit pudgy before getting pregnant (if 125 lbs counts lol), but I swear to you these pants did actually fit me at one time :)

9 Week Pic

I haven't been doing a very good job taking weekly pics either...mostly because I feel like I don't look much different right now.

9 weeks

First off, I should note that I'm sorry I haven't posted much else other than weekly updates. I'm sick and exhausted 99.9% of the time and generally the only time I manage to post is while I'm at work trying to make it through the day.

I am still reading others' blogs, but not always commenting. Sorry, I've been a bad blogger.

Also, I have trouble deciding how many weeks/days I am. Sometimes I go by LMP date (but not usually...even though my doctor still seems to), other times by ovulation date, other times by ultrasound dating. O date and U/S date are only 2 days apart...so if my posts aren't always the same based on the previous week, my apologies.


How Far Along: About 9 weeks

Last week's abdominal ultrasound....sorry for the crappy pic:

Size of baby: Baby is the size of a green olive this week!

Interesting Developmental Stuff: Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain.

Total Weight Gain: Around 4 lbs. at my appt. last week

Sleep: Still about 11-12 hours a night. And usually a nap on weekend days. And total lack of energy.

Symptoms: All-day nausea. Not vomiting, but VERY close. Super tired. Less uterus stretching/cramping this week, which scares me sometimes. UTI is gone...yay!

Cravings: Stouffer's macaroni and cheese. Corn pops. Taco bell nachos. Nacho cheese Doritos.

Gender: No clue.

Movement: Not even close unless gas counts ;)

Maternity Clothes: Still regular clothes for work. But maternity jeans on weekends.

Milestones: Seeing the heartbeat again, this time with my mom at last week's appt! Not having to come back until I'm 12 weeks!

What I'm looking forward to: 12 week appointment on December 26!

The belly: Bloated and round.

8 weeks

How Far Along: 8 weeks

Size of baby: Baby is the size of a kidney bean this week!

Interesting Developmental Stuff: The arms and legs continue to develop - These limbs are stretching out more and more. Later on you will be feeling those feet and elbows up close and personal right in your bladder. The embryonic tail has almost disappeared.

The pituitary gland is also forming and the embryo is beginning to grow muscle fibers. The heart has divided into the right and left chambers and is beating about 150 beats a minute which is about twice the rate of an adult.

The baby's facial features are visible, including a mouth and tongue. The eyes have a retina and lens. The major muscle system is developed, and the baby starts to practice moving. The baby has its own blood type and the blood cells are produced by the liver now instead of the yolk sac.

Total Weight Gain: Will know tomorrow...hopefully staying steady at the 5 lb. weight gain.

Sleep: Falling asleep earlier and earlier every night. I was in bed by 6pm last night and asleep by 7:30pm.

Symptoms: All-day nausea. Not vomiting, but VERY close. Super tired. A bit more uterus stretching/cramping this week. Dealing with the UTI, so I'm peeing even more frequently than before.

Cravings: Bland stuff. Toast with peanut butter and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese.

Gender: No clue.

Movement: Not even close unless gas counts ;)

Maternity Clothes: Still regular clothes for work. But maternity jeans on weekends.

Milestones: 8 weeks and no spotting.

What I'm looking forward to: Ultrasound #2 tomorrow. My mom is going with me to this appointment.

The belly: Bloated and round.

UTIs

This is going to be a short post mostly because yesterday was a very long day and I need sleep!

I woke up in the morning and thought I felt a pressure on my bladder. I kept thinking it was a UTI and had every intention of going to an urgent care center. But I didn't have burning or anything, so I brushed it off and ignored it. DH and I went to his cousin's house for a big family dinner, watched the Lions, then hit to road to drive 4 hours to my Dad's house.

About halfway there, I got a very sharp, burning feeling in my bladder. I thought maybe I had just waited too long to pee, so I stopped at a rest area and then got back on the road. But the sharp burning feeling kept coming and I spent the next 2 hours in pain and just begging to get there already.

We finally got there and told my dad we had to go to the hospital because I was dehydrated and pretty sure I had a UTI. He offered my some 7-Up. That's when I realized I was just going to have to tell him I was pregnant so it would make more sense why this was so urgent. I paused for a minute and said "well, the good news is that I am pregnant!" He said something like "oh really!" but looked very happy. Asked when I was due and then out the door we went. The waiting room was empty but it took an hour to get a room and another hour before being discharged.

They tested my urine but said it was "fairly benign" and that since I just started having symptoms that we likely caught it early. Doctor said if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck. He prescribed Macrobid and they also said to drink lots of water and that I could take over the counter Azo for pain.

I am trying to relax today and drink lots of water...and also peeing every half hour. It pretty much sucks...but I am glad that I don't have any plans today and can just hang out.

I'm still pretty mad at myself for not listening to my gut feeling this morning, but had I gone this morning they likely would've tested my urine and it would've came back negative, so I suppose we actually saved ourselves some money by not going to urgent care.

I was seriously so scared! I felt bad. I had drank less water that day because I knew we would be traveling and that there weren't many places to stop to pee along the way. I also had a very sodium-filled Thanksgiving meal, so I'm sure that didn't help. In hindsight, the fact that I got so dehydrated was probably the reason I was able to notice the UTI so early!

My question is, isn't my OB supposed to be testing my urine at every visit? Or is that later on? We he do so from now on now that I've had a UTI?

Ultrasound Details & Pics

I picked up the CD from my ultrasound and also got a report.

The gestational sac is 1.7x2.02x1.83cm which corresponds to  gestational age of 6 weeks 2 days.

The fetal pole has a crown to rump length of 0.59cm which corresponds to a gestational age of 6 weeks 3 days.

Cardiac activity with a regular rate of 129 beats per minute detected. A well-formed yolk sac is present.
There is a small hypoechoic regional along the left and superior margin of the gestational sac measuring 1.14 x 0.30 x 0.84cm which may be a subchorionic hemorrhage.

Uterus is 9.8x4.3x4.5cm. Cervix is closed and measures 3.8cm.

Right ovary measures 4.7 x 3.0 x 3.1 and the left 3.3 x 2.6 x 2.1cm. Both ovaries contain follicles. Mass in right ovary is 3.2 x 2.1 x 2.0...this may reflect an ovarian cyst. Complex thick walled hypoechoic mass in the left ovary measuring 1.9 x 1.7 x 1.7cm. This is likely a corpus luteal cyst.

Due date estimated: July 10, 2013

And now, for the pics!

7 weeks, 1 day

How Far Along: 7 weeks, 1 day

Size of baby: Baby is the size of a blueberry this week!

Interesting Developmental Stuff: The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs -- although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudge extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long.

Total Weight Gain: According to the doctor's office, 5 lbs. WOW.

Sleep:I still fall asleep usually by 8pm every night. Wake up a couple times to pee. And usually awake by 7 or 7:30am. <----same as last week

Symptoms: The nausea is worse now and pretty much nothing sounds good. I have to force myself to eat anything, and usually it's the least objectionable thing. Bland foods are my friend right now. Still no vomiting, though, thank goodness! Mild cramping every once in a while. Also still peeing a lot.

Cravings: Absolutely nothing. I just want to be able to eat normally again.

Gender: I had a dream the other night it was a girl.

Movement: Not even close unless gas counts ;)

Maternity Clothes: Still regular clothes for work. But maternity jeans on weekends.

Milestones: Seeing the fetal pole, yolk sac and heartbeat. OB saying "nothing but good news!"

What I'm looking forward to: Ultrasound #2 on Nov. 30th. My mom is going with me to this appointment.

The belly: Bloated and round.

Ultrasound #1

First off, sorry for the delay in update. Friday was such an emotional (but happy) day. DH and I have just been enjoying it all weekend long!

We went in Friday at 2:30 for the appointment, got back into a room fairly quickly, but waited for the doc for almost half an hour. Finally, he arrived and he had an intern (?) in tow, which I didn't really like, but oh well. He asked a couple quick questions...if I was feeling like crap. If my boobs were still sore. If I had any spotting, bleeding or cramping. Yep, I feel like crap. My boobs hurt. No spotting or cramping. He said he hopes I continue to feel like shit (his words) and said let's not waste anymore time...let's get an ultrasound.

He started with an abdominal, which worried me because I was only 6w5d and no one told me to drink water beforehand. He told me not to freak out if we didn't see much. We looked at the screen and it was easy to see the gestational sac. It looked like there was stuff in the sac, but it was so blurry that it was hard to tell. He kept saying that it looked good...really good...but that he couldn't promise it was or wasn't a blighted ovum, which freaked me out. I thought at this point he would offer an internal ultrasound, but he said he couldn't do those in his office, and offered to send me for one next week. This is when I lost it crying thinking I'd be in limbo all weekend wondering if there was a baby or not. I freaked out and told him I was scared and would prefer if I could get in today. He said he would try but it was late in the day and he couldn't promise anything. I started crying harder at this point, so he came up to me and hugged me and said he understood...that he had been there. He told me to take my time and come out when I was ready. He left and I lost it again while DH held me. I told him I felt stupid for crying and refused to leave the room until my face looked a lot less red and puffy.

We went out to the front desk, and the receptionist was on the phone with the imaging center down the street. DH kept saying he didn't think they'd be able to get me in same day, but they did. I had to guzzle as much water as I could before arriving. I only managed to get down about 20 oz. and thought for sure it wouldn't be enough. The tech called me back after about 15 minutes in the waiting room. We got to the room and DH mentioned that I might not have enough water. The tech seemed concerned but said it was too late now and to say down. She started looking with the abdominal and said it looked like my bladder was pretty full.

DH finally decided to look at the screen since I couldn't see it. He kept saying he thought he saw something but wasn't sure. 10 minutes later, she said it would be time for the transvaginal, so she let me empty my bladder and then come back. I just kept laying there looking at the light in the ceiling. DH got up again and started looking. A couple minutes later, he gasped and said "There really is something in there!" He kept saying that again and again. He also said he gave me a thumbs up at one point, but I never saw it. I thought about asking to see the screen, but the tech was so quiet, I decided not to.

Finally, she was finished. She left the room and I asked DH to describe in detail what he saw (I made him draw me a picture later). We went back to the waiting room once I was dressed and waited. They told us it was going to take about 15 minutes for their radiologist to read the results, then he would call my doctor, who would then call me to give me the results (while we waited). Finally, DH got antsy and decided to stand up and wait in the hallway next to the waiting room. We could hear the receptionist through the window when the radiologist called her. She answered, listened for a minute, then said "Oh, gooood." She hung up pretty quickly and dialed my doctor, called my name and handed me the phone. I got nervous for a second, but he didn't make me wait long before saying "nothing but good news!" He went on to say that they had seen the fetal pole and yolk sac and that the baby had a nice, strong heartbeat! I just keep saying OK, which was driving DH nuts because he couldn't tell what the doctor was saying. Finally he said Congrats! and to call him if I needed anything! I said Thank You! and hung up. DH instantly started asking questions...and I said everything is fine. Healthy baby with a strong hearbeat. We walked out of the office on Cloud 9...and as soon as we got out the door, DH hugged me. I looked over at him with tears in my eyes...surprised to see that he had tears in his eyes too!

The only other thing the doctor mentioned that I didn't tell DH about...was that there is a small pocket of fluid behind the placenta. He said this is common and usually resolves on its own. I didn't want to worry DH or take this moment away from him, so I didn't tell him.

I really wish I could've seen the screen during the ultrasound...or ask for a picture. But I wasn't sure if I was allowed or supposed to, so I didn't. I'm hoping my doctor will get all the ultrasound pictures, so perhaps I can ask at my next appointment (Nov 30). He will probably do another abdominal ultrasound then...I'll be 8w5d. My mom will be going with me to that one, so I'm really hoping you'll be able to see more then.

*EDIT* I called the imaging center this morning to request pictures. They are making a CD for me and I'm picking it up tomorrow. Forgot to ask how much it cost. Oops!

So Scared

My first ultrasound is today and I don't think I've ever felt so nervous in my entire life. I try to tell myself that I can't get attached to this baby yet, but it's impossible. I'm so in love already and so scared at the thought that something might go wrong. I am trying to stay positive though. I keep reminding myself that I still have symptoms (sore boobs, fatigue, moody, peeing a lot, hunger and nausea)...and I have no spotting or cramping.

I already cried this morning. It just brings back so many memories of my appointment last year. I went in so happy...and then we had the ultrasound and everything fell apart. I keep telling myself that I had spotting last year...it was a sign. I don't have that this year. And I've already said I feel really good about this pregnancy, so why am I doubting things?

Appointment is at 2:30pm EST. Prayers appreciated! I will post as soon as I can :)

6 Weeks, 1 Day

How Far Along: 6 weeks, 1 day
Size of baby: Baby is the size of a lentil bean this week!

Interesting Developmental Stuff: Here's this week's run-down: This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long,and about the size of a lentil
Total Weight Gain: About 2 lbs.
Sleep:I still fall asleep usually by 8pm every night. Wake up a couple times to pee. And usually awake by 7 or 7:30am.
Symptoms:Sometimes hungry, other times no food sounds good. The nausea has started, but still mild and no vomiting yet. Also cranky and bitchy! Mild cramping every once in a while. And about once a day a sharp pain just above my hip bone on my back (too early for round ligament pains?) Also peeing a lot.
Cravings: If I'm hungry, Subway egg & cheese on flatbread with tomatoes and mayonnaise, banana bread, macaroni salad, and yesterday french toast (I made it myself, ate half, then hated it lol)
Gender:No inklings yet. DH is hoping for twins! But I have told him I think it's just one.
MovementNot even close unless gas counts ;)
Maternity Clothes:I haven bought anything yet. Although nearly half my clothes don't fit. To be fair, a majority of them for sorta snug before being pregnant, and since I've gained two paints, they are now tighter. I'm pretty short, so it doesn't take a lot of weight to make a big different. All of my button up tops are too small...my boobs no longer fit in them ;)
Milestones:This Friday, Nov. 16th, is our first ultrasound. DH and I are both anxious and excited. The only other pregnancy ultrasound we have had, was diagnosis of a blighted ovum. We are praying to see the gestational sac with yolk sac, fetal pole and heartbeat. It's not too early at 6w5d to see a heartbeat, right?
What I'm looking forward to: Ultrasound this Friday. Telling my dad at Thanksgiving next week.
The belly:Bloated!

Liebster Award

D over at My Life is About the Journey nominated me for the Liebster Award this past weekend.  I am thrilled and honored that she thought my blog was interesting enough to get the award, so D, thank you!

The Liebster Blog Award is an award that is given by a blogger to another blogger with less than 200 followers.  Liebster is German for "favorite" so basically it is an award you give to your favorite bloggers.  :) 

Here is how it works. D nominated me (and several other of her favorite blogs) and created a list of 11 questions for me to answer.  I answer those questions, nominate several of my favorite blogs, and then make up 11 questions for them to answer.

So here goes with D questions!


1.  Skiing vacation or beach vacation?  Which is your idea of how to spend a relaxing day?
Beach vacation. I've never skiied and I'd likely break my leg(s) if I tried!

2.  Coffee or tea?
Before being pregnant, I was addicted to Sweet Tea from McDonald's! Hate coffee.

3.  Do you have any pets?  If so, what kinds?
Two furbabies! Sam is our blond cocker spaniel and he's 8. We got him when he was 1 from DH's aunt and uncle. He got into rat poison in their barn, they paid thousands to fix him up, then decided they didn't want to take care of him anymore. They also wanted him for hunting, but he's kind of a wuss :) He's the sweetest dog ever! Lily is our black cocker spaniel and she's 7 or 8. We rescued her from Columbus Cocker Rescue in Ohio back in 2008.

4.  Do you have any siblings?  If so, how many?  Are you close to them?
I have 1 brother, Matt. He's 2.5 years older than me. We aren't super close, but we get along.

5.  iPhone, BlackBerry, Droid, or other cell phone?
iPhone! I finally got one a couple months ago after begging DH for years!

6.  What is your favorite type of cuisine (i.e. Italian, Chinese, etc.)?
Italian, definitely! I'm not a big meat eater, but love a pile of pasta!

7.  What is the biggest part of your life that IF or PL has affected?
My relationships with other women. I feel closer to some of them...those that have supported me despite not understanding what I've gone through; and those that have been in my shoes and continue to support me throughout this pregnancy. But I am also more distant to those that have pulled away when I need them most.

8.  Do you have a lot of good friends or a few great friends?
I have a lot of good friends, but would much prefer the latter.

9.  If you could meet one famous person (dead or alive) who would it be and why?
Hmm, that's a tough one. I'm not really one of those people that go crazy over celebrities.

10.  What is your favorite Halloween candy?
Milky Way Dark, Butterfinger, Reeses

11.  If you could have one wish (except for more wishes, haha) what would it be?
To be a good mom :)


And now for my nominations (So many of my favorite blogs have been already been nominated so I tried not to duplicate)!  If I nominated you and you have already been nominated then I guess that you are extra-doubly special and don't bother answering my questions unless you really want to!)...drum-roll:

1.  Emily @ Eat Love Procreate
2.  Kyla @ Silver Lining & Sunshine on the Horizon
3.  Laura @ The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtile
4.  Megz @ My Journey Through the Storm
5.  suzanne @ Our journey to a baby bump
6.  Aly @ Breathe Gently

You ladies are awesome and I look forward to reading your blogs whenever you post!!!

Here are my questions!  Sorry I don't have the best imagination for questions:

1.  Do you believe in love at first sight?
2.  Favorite fast food place?
3.  Dogs or cats (as pets)?
4.  Occupation?
5.  Favorite band? Singer?
6.  Current annoyance?
7.  Favorite place you've traveled?
8.  Do you have any special/hidden talents?
9.  Ever met anyone famous? If so, who?
10.  When was the last time you laughed really hard and why?
11.  Do you like rollercoasters?

Early Pregnancy Cramping is Scary

Today is the first day when I've really been scared. And the first day I've felt a good amount of cramping. Everyone says it's normal, but it feels like the first day of my period, just no bleeding. Which is a good sign. But still, it's been coming and going all day today...and when it's on, I have to go to the bathroom to make sure there's no blood, and cry because I'm scared. It's more on the left side and towards the back, which I'm pretty sure is where the baby is. It's also pinching on my sciatic nerve (I had this issue during my first pregnancy). It seems to be calming down a bit, but it's still scary. Will it feel this way off and on throughout my whole pregnancy. I'm contemplating leaving work early because I feel so crappy, but I don't want anyone to think poorly of leaving early because I feel sick, and especially because I'm pregnant and still have a long ways to go.

5 weeks, 1 day

How I’m Changing 
My boobs are already hurting and growing. A lot of my tops for work were already a bit snug, but now I can no longer button up the button ups. Luckily I bought a few loose, flowing tanks a few weeks ago and can wear those with a cardigan just fine. Also, most of my work pants were snug before my BFP as well, so now I only have one pair that I can button comfortably...so, apparently I am quite bloated. I took a picture of myself yesterday and I feel like I look way farther along. I'll see if I can post it later tonight!

OK...here are the pics at 5 weeks exactly...granted I had a tiny bit of a pooch before getting pregnant, a lot of this is early pregnancy, evening bloat! Weight: 125

How I’m Feeling
I still have a few cramps that scare the crap out of me (usually at night for some reason), but they only last a few seconds, and then they are gone. I am also peeing a lot, and still waking up once a night to pee and sometimes have a snack. My eating has been off and on. Sometimes I feel like I can eat all day long...other days I don't feel like eating much of anything.

I've been feeling VERY emotional lately. We went to the mall over the weekend, and I guess we were walking too slow, and the people behind us, instead of just going around, were talking smack and then snottily said "excuse us!" I didn't bother moving but my friend did, and I got upset by this. I'm always the invisible person that people don't move for. Usually if I don't move, I'll get run over. It's always pissed me off, but this time around I couldn't take. As we left the mall, I went off and then started crying about it.

I'm also nervous. Half the time about something going wrong and the other half of the time, I worry about how our lives are going to change and if I will be a good mom. I know it's normal, but it's just such a crazy, out of control feeling. First ultrasound is next Friday, Nov. 16th. I'll be 6w5d. I'm both excited and nervous! The only other ultrasound I had during any pregnancy was when we found out our very first was a blighted ovum.

And tired. It's been kind of off and on during the day this past week, but it really hit me yesterday. We went out to breakfast, had sex (first time since conception), and put up the Christmas tree. We had to put the tree up in shifts and even then, I was so tired. I took a nap in the afternoon, then went to bed by 8pm. Today at 5w1d, I woke up tired and it hasn't left while here at work.

Oh, and the dreams! OMG, the dreams. I've been having some pretty wild dreams. Sex dreams. I wake up feeling exhilarated. I am not one to initiate doing it, but this weekend I did and it surprised the crap out of DH! I'm not sure it will last, especially since I had some mild cramping afterwards, which I would really like to avoid!

What I’m Eating
My cravings have been all over the place. Toast with butter and cinnamon sugar, cottage cheese, cheeseburgers and salads...just not all together :) Sometimes I'll crave something and 5 minutes later I'll change my mind. We went to the grocery store on Saturday, then on Sunday I didn't want anything we had bought and forced DH to run to Wendy's to buy me a BLT Cobb Salad. I must say it was quite yummy! 

Random thoughts this week:

Weight: Starting weight at the docs 3w5d was 129

Wondering if I will get m/s and when it will start

Anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving to tell my dad

Beta #2

Mondays beta at 15dpo was 158

Wednesdays beta at 17dpo was 441

I am so HAPPY!!! That's a doubling time of 32.41 hours :)

Good Thing

Good thing I'm almost out of pee sticks! I just love seeing the progression :)

The Waiting Game

I had my second beta drawn this morning and have to wait until tomorrow for results. It's going to be a very long wait...and I'm already freaking out and second-guessing everything. I'm hoping for any number over 300. I keep reminding myself that I am still having symptoms, so that has to be a good sign. Stretching feelings in uterus (off and on...sometimes nothing, which of course, freaks me out), sore boobs (sometimes more than others, which also freaks me out), peeing a LOT. At least every hour. And falling asleep around 8pm every night and sleeping until 6am (with 1-2 pee breaks, of course). I tested again last night and the line was significantly darker, even with dilutred urine. But I guess it's still not enough to calm my fears. I'm scared that even test results tomorrow won't help me relax.

Beta #1

...was yesterday at 15dpo. The receptionist wasn't going to tell me because the doctor hadn't seen them yet, but she went and got the nurse and a few minutes, the nurse got on to tell me the number.

158.

I'm totally happy with that based on average. Now the next two days are going to be torture waiting to see if the number doubles!

I'm still so excited, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, that I'm still shaking!

Digital Test Experiment

Since I still have digitals left, I figured might as well use them right?
And might as well tear them apart to obsess over the lines and see what they really do when hcg goes up.

Seems that the lines do get darker...which is so comforting to me.

I am supposed to get the results for my first beta back today and I'm so nervous. OB said they would call me, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to call them. Wonder if I should give them a chance to call and wait until the afternoon or call early? Ugh. I know the second number is more important than the first, but I feel like the first number will give me a pretty decent idea.

I will post as soon as I get the results!

4 Weeks

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. I can go from happiness to worry at the drop of a hat! I don't think it helps that I am still peeing on leftover sticks. The only upside is that they are still progressing quite nicely!

Here is my progression from 9dpo to 13dpo:

And here is this morning's (14dpo) tests (digi appeared much faster than a couple days ago...about 40 seconds):

I'm kind of addict, aren't I? I keep saying I will stop testing after I have my betas next week!

In addition to all the testing, I'm using my Crinone (progesterone supposities), but I'm on my last sample tomorrow. I was supposed to get more samples at my appt on Friday, but I forgot, so now I have to call the nurse first thing Monday morning. In addition to that, the cash price for Crinone is $400 for 2 weeks...so $1,600 for me to get enough to last until 12 weeks, which is totally crazy! I'm waiting on a pre-authorization from my OB for my insurance to even say if they will cover it; which is stupid. My OB prescribed the Crinone, so why does he have to "authorize" it again?! Dr. T said if they don't cover it he will try and come up with an alternative. Anyone know of any?

The Crinone wasn't bad at first. It isn't exactly pleasant having chunks that look like cottage cheese trickling out every day, but that isn't the suckiest part. It causes cramping right after I put it in. The first couple days it wasn't bad. But last night, they started up right after I put it in and lasted about 10 minutes, then stopped completely. Then they woke me up again around 1am, lasted 10 minutes, then stopped again. Dr. T already told me that would happen and says it's normal. I've looked it up on Dr. google too and it seems it's just an irritant to the cervix, which can cause cramping as well as spotting. No spotting at all for me yet...hope it stays that way!

Other than that, my boobs are very sore (mostly on the sides and under my arms) and heavy-feeling, which is a new feeling for me. I've always been pretty small up top, so it's going to be weird when they start growing more. I also go back and forth between hunger and no appetite at all. Sometimes even though I know I need food but am not feeling it, I started eating anyway...and most of the time, this fuels the fire and I get hungrier. I've been eating 4-5 small-medium meals a day. I've picked up my water drinking as well, but still not as much as I should. I've always been bad about drinking water, but I know it's important, so I made DH buy me a Camelbak waterbottle :)

So now, I anxiously await my betas on Monday and Wednesday. Dr. T told me they'd call on Tuesday and Thursday, which I took as "I will need to call them." My experience last time was that I had to do the jumping through hoops! Either way, it's going to be a long week next week!

Testing Maniac

I had to nudge DH to let me buy the $18 5-pack of CB digitals! I told him it was for the baby :) Then when I got home, I got nervous. I knew I was pregnant, but I was just scared it would say "not pregnant" for some reason. So I started googling pictures with FRERs and digis to see how my line from this morning compared.

I was going to wait until tomorrow morning, but since there's 5 tests, I figured why not. I dipped a Wondfo first since I have a bajillion of those left. The line started appearing about a minute into it. So I decided to dip the digi, then hopped in the shower. I hopped out a couple times around 30 seconds and again after a minute. Then I got back in and started counting seconds! 30 more seconds later, I jumped out...and it said "Pregnant." Yay!

My OB appt tomorrow is at 3pm, so I'm excited to leave work around 2pm...go home, meet my mom, and hopefully get a beta done!

Can't Stop!

I guess it makes me feel better to see the line progressing :) This is the first pic I haven't tweaked!
I told DH that I still want to get a digital :)

Peeing on Stuff

I have tests left, and it really makes me feel good to see things darkening up...even though it's only been a day since the first faint positive.

The top is last night's (7pm), the middle is this morning (4am) and the bottom is this afternoon (2pm)

I was giddy after I saw it. I squealed so loud that the dogs were wondering what was going on! 

I have 1 FRER left which I will mostly use tomorrow. And I still want to buy a digital :)

As far as symptoms, I have kind of a constant, overall dull ache across my lower abdomen and a backache. I feel starving all the time (totally had this with my first pregnancy last summer), even after I've recently eaten. My boobs are very sore. And I have occasional waves of nausea. I feel really good about the symptoms so far. Also, with my chemical last November, the test lines on the Wondfo never got darker than the top test in this pic. And my symptoms weren't near as noticeable as they are right now. So, for now, I am hopeful!

Moving Along

I tested again this morning. Still light but still positive and pink! I need to be patient and realize it's still only 10dpo! I should be happy to have any line at all this early.

So far, it is all still sinking in. It doesn't feel real and I still don't believe it.

And by far, the hardest part, is posting my results for all the ladies on my discussion boards/groups. These are women that have supported me when I was sad, angry, jealous. Now I am posting my positive and I know, even behind the congrats, there is hurting. And I hate that I am a part of that. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in between...no longer TTC, but not pregnant enough to talk about much of anything except sheer excitement as well as panic.

Amidst all the anxiety, somewhere deep down there is a calm. I had a good feeling about this month and I really have a good feeling about the whole thing. I feel like this is truly our rainbow baby. I pray that I am right!

That being said, I don't plan to end the blog here. But, I do understand if there are those that choose to unfollow (even though I'd love for you all to stay). I know just how hard it is to watch someone experience what you so desire. I am by no means out of the woods, so the blog will continue to include my pregnancy fears as well as my feelings coming from past experiences; and new feelings and events going forward.

No Way!

So, I feel so stupid for plastering this all over each and every one of my groups...especially since it's still only 9dpo. But for real? I'm not blind, right?

What's Next?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately and it's really taking its toll today. It's a combination of being scared, jealous, angry, and sad. I'm scared that I'm going to have to continue on this journey for an unforseen amount of time, and I feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. My life has been consumed with trying to conceive. In some respects, I want to give it a break, but I know that I can't. I want this baby so bad. I can't possibly give up now.

I'm jealous, too. The funny part is, I really thought I was through this part of the grief process. I thought that I would go through each process, step by step, and voila! I'd be healed. But apparently grief doesn't work that way. A few months ago, I felt like I had come out of my depression. I felt like I was moving on from the losses. But as this journey has continued, I realize that the depression was only hiding and it's returned because I still haven't achieved what I've set out to achieve. I keep seeing what feels like everyone around me getting pregnant. Having babies. Being happy. And here I am still peeing on sticks, timing sex, and failing month after month.

DH has tried to be supportive. He keeps telling me that he thinks we are getting closer. And I really want to believe him. I want to believe that the Femara will get us our rainbow. It has gotten my cycles to be somewhat normal, despite the painful ovulation. But in my mind, I just keep envisioning failure. I keep imagining what the next step will be. More testing? Referral to an RE? More drugs? IUI?

It scares me. It truly does.

I'm barely able to hold it together now as it is. What will I do if we have to move onto the next step? Will I be able to deal with it all?

Then I get angry again. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that it feels like no one else has to deal with this, even though I know that isn't the truth. I find myself searching Facebook friends that I have hidden; either because they are pregnant or have recently had a baby. And I torture myself by looking at their pictures. And I start to cry because I want that. I want that happiness. And I feel like everyone else has it but me.

It's a very selfish way to feel. Like I deserve this more than anyone. I remind myself that I am no more deserving than anyone else and I turn the anger towards myself for feeling this way.

Ultimately I end up sad again. Facing negative test after negative test. Expecting the same results again and again.

I've failed. I've failed me. My husband. My idea of this happy family, happy ever after.

It's hard to believe that everything you've ever dreamed about your future family...that things somehow cannot fall into place the way you expected. That you have to be this person that you never dreamed you'd become. Bitter, cynical, sad. I'm just so ready to move past all this and have what everyone else has.

Bored at 5dpo

Nothing too exciting. Back in the TWW and at 5dpo. I'm actually surprised at how fast time has been going by now that my cycles are within the normal range!

Not really much to note. Just trying to stay relaxed and wait as long as possible to test!

Here's a link to my chart for all you stalkers out there ;)

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/381c6e

Femara Cycle 2 - Ovulation Achieved!

Since I got my :) on the digital opk yesterday morning...I didn't expect to ovulate until today. However, I'm 99% sure it happened last night. I started feeling bad around 5:00pm...had diarrhea, then shortly after that, the lower abdominal achiness began! My ovaries started to feel really, really heavy and large. It was just achiness at first but turned into pain pretty quickly. I didn't take any pain medication at first...I was hoping it would pass. And after last cycle's CD17 aches, I figured this CD17 would be the same. Wrong. I curled up into a ball and cried. My hot water bottle had a small leak in it, but I couldn't stand the pain, so I filled it and used a towel to cover the hole. I tried that for a while; but it didn't work. It got the point where I tried half a muscle relaxer and a Vicodin. By the time the muscle relaxer started to work, the pain had settled down. At this point, it was 10:00pm and I had been miserable for 5 hours. At the time, I still didn't realize that what I was feeling was actual ovulation. I thought it was just the follicles still growing. But I woke up this morning to a temp rise, so I'm certain it was ovulation. Only about 12 hours earlier this cycle than last.

I was in so much pain last night that I told DH I didn't know if I could keep doing this. But now, in the light of morning, I realize I don't have much choice. I will bring it up to my OB. Maybe the smaller dose of 2.5mg will work just fine or maybe I'll still feel the O pains. Or maybe I'll just get lucky and won't need to do another round!

As Suspected :)

I woke up this morning pretty much knowing it was going to be positive. This cycle is following last cycle to a T. Last night I was in intense pain. It felt like someone was stabbing my left ovary. I figure this is probably which side the dominant follicle(s) is on. So when I woke up this morning, I peed in a cup...dipped the stick...and took this pic before the ink was even all the way across.

Then did a digi even though I knew I'd get a :)

DH and I have been doing SMEP (which is a lot more relaxing than last cycle's every day plan)...so a couple more days and then the waiting will begin again.

I will more than likely O tomorrow on CD18, same as last cycle. Based on that HEDD is July 8, 2013 (5 days before my brother's wedding). Fingers crossed!

Waiting for O

I've been a bad blogger. Nothing new to report. CD14 and no + opk yet, but I didn't get one until CD17 last cycle, so I'm trying to be patient again. My ovaries are starting to ache and I'm feeling more bloated, so I know they are doing their job. DH and I are still doing SMEP and just trying to relax. I'm hopeful, but also preparing myself for another AF :(

Oh, last weekend DH bought me the ring I've been lusting over! A gorgeous Le Vian ring...Rhodolite Garnet gemstone, 16 white, round diamonds and 16 chocolate, round diamonds...all on 14k strawberry gold band. This ring:

http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamonds---gemstones/oval-garnet-ring--1-3-ct-tw-diamonds-14k-gold

I literally could not stop smiling once we left the store...and I nearly cried as we left the mall! I have to get it sized since it's a little big, but it fits enough that I can wear it for a while. I'm not ready to let it leave my sights for a few weeks at least :)

edit: I think my Armour meds (for my thyroid) are giving me headaches. I'm going to try to take them at night instead of the morning...if that doesn't work, I may try splitting the dose. 15 days until my next follow-up with my OB. Hopefully I can figure out how to take my Armour without my head feeling like it's going to explode...and maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant by then. Here's hoping!

Update

I had my followup with my OB this past Friday...and right when I went to give a urine sample so they could do a pregnancy test, I started spotting. AF picked up later that evening.

At the appt, I found out that DH's semen is good. Morpholoy was borderline low/average 6-8%, but OB said that wasn't anything to worry about. His counts were great, volume was fine and motility was Grade A, meaning he has fast swimmers and they swim in a straight line (this part made DH very happy)! So DH isn't the problem.

I told Dr. T that I O'ed on CD18, to which he said was kind of late according to the plan he had given me (sex cd12-16). I told him we just kept on having sex until I O'ed, but by then, I was tired. He said next month still take the Femara on CD5-9, but wait until the OPK is + until we start having sex for 5 days. Which worries me. I always ovulate the day after a + OPK...so wouldn't it be sort of late to wait for that? I'm thinking of trying SMEP and then doing it 3 days straight once I get the +. Thoughts?

I also asked about my bloodwork results from July that I had forgotten to ask about at the last appt. He said my TSH levels were a little high at 3.4 and was pretty sure I have Hashimoto's thryoiditis. Normal levels for when TTC are between 1-2. I had bloodwork redrawn and have to call in this morning for results and hopefully meds. I've started doing some research and got worried when I read that 3.4 might be the reason we've been having trouble TTC. Either way, I'm glad my OB is on top of and realizes that it is a concern!

CD4 today and need to get Femara filled so I can start it again tomorrow. 

15dpo & Waiting

AF is due today and usually shows up in the super early morning hours. Still not here. Temp dropped slightly again, but still above coverline. I tested BFN yesterday so I know I'm not pregnant. Anyone else take Femara and have a longer LP than normal? I wanted AF to show up today since I have my follow-up with my OB at 2pm. I'm hoping he will still prescribe Femara...

I want to move on to next cycle but my LP is being an ass :(

13dpo BFN

Temp still up, but based on previous months, I'm expecting more of a drop tomorrow. AF is due Friday.

Here's my chart:
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/381c6e

I'm OK with AF coming. Sad, but ok. Ready to move on to next month!

Not Again

12dpo temp down a little and BFN. Cramping was off and on last night...but bad when it was on. Boobs hurt. I'm pretty sure I'm out. I'm trying not to be too disappointed, but it's hard. I had such high hopes for this first cycle of Femara. I thought if I did everything right, it would work. I know it's only the first round and we have several more to go, but now that we failed again, that thought of "what if" has entered my mind again. What if Femara doesn't work...then what? What if we can't conceive again? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I know I need to relax and give Femara a chance. At least a few more cycles. But this journey is getting so much harder than I ever thought it could be. Sometimes I just don't know how I'll carry on :(

11dpo

Test is clearly negative.

I've had dreams the last two nights that I got positive tests. Then I woke up. I wish these dreams would stop. I am so happy when I'm sleeping but then I wake up and it's all taken away again :(

I really want to believe that there is still time this cycle, but I'm just not feeling it. And sadly, I put so much pressure on this cycle. I really thought if we did everything right, it would work. But now I'm feeling like it didn't happen and I feel like a failure. I keep saying that I really don't know how much longer I can do this...but AF will arrive and eventually I will have renewed hope that it will happen for us. But right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and give up :( Why does this have to be so hard?

10dpo...Indent or Something Else?

I started testing at 8dpo...I know, stupid. BFN of course.

Yesterday's and today's tests (9 and 10dpo) seem to have indents...or maybe it's the start of something. Who knows?! Also, last night, I had some pinching in the center just behind my pubic bone...lasted about 5-10 minutes, followed by a long, painful cramp that lasted about 2 minutes. Then it went away. Now today I've had off and on cramping that feels like AF is on her way, even though she isn't due for 5 days.

Here's this morning's test:

4dpo

Well, I'm 4dpo. A week from now, I might have an idea if I'm pregnant or not. So far...I've been feeling a lot of hot flashes, I'm more tired than usual, and I was a total bitch yesterday. I wanted to rip someone's head off! I don't know if the Femara causes more symptoms post-O than normal, but I feel like I'm going crazy already!

I can't say that I will ever get OVER my miscarriages last year, because I know won't. I will always think about them. But I'm finally to the point where I have accepted it, which is a huge step for me. I can look at baby clothes without getting angry. I've started researching things I'll need for a newborn...and making a birth plan. Things that I couldn't even bear to think about before, now I'm getting excited about them. I'm starting to think about debt that we have that I want to get rid of ASAP. I want our baby to have amazing toys...and cute clothes! And I'm just so thrilled that Femara worked...I just know that we are going to get pregnant soon! I hope sooner rather than later, but I feel confident now that it IS going to happen for us!

Temp Rise!

So it looks like Femara is going to work for me. Yay! I'm pretty sure I O'ed sometime yesterday morning since I was very, very crampy then. I'm really happy with our BD timing. Now the wait begins :(

Truck Yeah!

I had a feeling with how much pain I was in last night that I HAD to be almost there. YAY!
Looks like will probably O tomorrow CD18!

So far BDing schedule is exhausting me, but there is an end in sight. All our bases are covered: CD7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 and will BD tonight on 17 and tomorrow on 18. Maybe 19 depending on when I get a temp spice.

Ouch...My Ovaries!

It's CD16 today and my ovaries are killing me. They are so achy and feel like they want to explode. But my OPKs are as negative as they've ever been and I'm already tired of doing it. I'm starting to freak out. What if I don't ovulate? Shouldn't I have a + by now?

This morning's FMU OPK (CD16). I know they say not to use OPKs in the morning but I wanted to try anyway and it's actually darker than yesterdays.

Afternoon update: My ovaries hurt so bad. But still no LH surge :(

Evening update: I didn't think I could feel any worse, but I feel like I'm about to burst...and still, THIS (grrrr). I have to be close, right?

False Positives with Femara?

So I'm starting to think yesterday's OPKs were false positives. The Wondfo wasn't quite as dark as my real positives are...and the test line on the CB digi stick was lighter than my past positives, too. I know...you're not supposed to look at that line, but I can't help it.

I went to research it on Dr. google and found quite a few posts from people saying they got false positive's shortly after finishing their pills (2-3 days after).

I took a test at lunch and it was negative. Will continue testing twice a day...and temping...and BDing.

It's stressful doing the OPKs...but at least I know all bases are covered if we just keep BDing until I get a temp rise! Hopefully only a few more days!

CD11 & Smiley Already!

And THIS...already!?

I took a Wondfo OPK at lunch but it was very negative. I was also drinking a large sweet tea this morning so that may have diluted my urine a lot. Decided that I was going to be testing twice a day so I made sure not to miss my surge...so tested again tonight around 7:30pm and got the "almost" positive on the Wondfo...hesitated as to whether to try a digi and glad I did. I think this might be the start of my surge. I'm so excited! I might actually ovulate by CD13 or 14...like a normal person! Will test again tomorrow just to see if the lines get darker! Yay!!

Almost Done w/Femara!

Well, it's CD9 and today will be my last dose of Femara this cycle. So far the only side effects are slight headaches (Tylenol seems to help these a lot) and off and on hot flashes. I tend to notice these more if I'm up and moving around....although last night I kept sweating in bed! But overall, the side effects really aren't that bad. Minor at best. And totally worth it.

My instructions from my OB said to not DTD CD#5-11, then every day CD12-16. But, I've been worried about O'ing early. I have no idea how this Femara is going to affect me and I've read of several people that have O'ed as early as CD12. So, DH and I BD'ed on Sunday (CD7) and will probably again tonight. Just in case. I'm wondering if he says not to on 5-11 so we can save our energy? Hmmm, not sure. But DH would do it twice a day everyday if he could and not get tired. If anyone is going to run out of energy 12-16, it'd be me. But I'm not going to let that happen! I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to make this cycle work. I'm taking my prenatals everyday, finally! I just need to get into the habit of taking it everyday and it'll be easy.

I'm so excited for the next few days to see what happens. I already started my OPKs. I know...early. But I couldn't wait and I don't want to miss a surge!

Fingers crossed I actually O. Anytime before CD20 would make me happy!