Tuesday, July 31, 2012

10 More Days...and Wedding Stuff!

Sorry to those that read my blog. I feel like my life is on hold until my laparoscopy. 10 more days...it's getting closer! I'm very prepared...last things to do are finish laundry, dust the house, change the bed sheets (I'll wait until next Thursday night to do that), and set-up the bedroom (also the night before). I've got to make sure I've got everything within an arm's reach...pain meds and snacks in the bedside table; ipad, magazines and books on one corner of the bed; and pads set up on the back of the toilet in the potty. I got my "ultrasoft sleepshirt" from Victoria's Secret in the mail yesterday - it's sooooo soft and comfy! My Lost DVDs are arriving today...and House DVDs sometime later this week!


DH and I....my bro and his fiance all went to David's Bridal on Sunday. The plans (per the bride) was to pick out bridesmaids dresses. But once we got in there they said it makes more sense for the bride to pick her dress first. So, she started trying on dresses and found the ONE! I was so glad to be there for that moment...it gave us time to talk (we sent DH and my bro away for 3 hours!). We made an appt. for Aug. 18th for the guys to be fitted for tuxes (dad and step-mom will be in town so we figured it would be a good time). So while the boys are off doing that, we are going back to David's Bridal to pick out a bridesmaids dress for me. I'm a little worried about going a week after surgery...especially if I'm still bloated and sore, but I'll do my best. My mom plans on going too, so hopefully she can help me get dressed if needed.


Nothing else exciting going on right now...just counting down the days...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Happy Anniversary!

15 more days and the list-making has already begun!

I'm a planner. It passes the time if I start making lists of things that need to be done before surgery.

I made a list of things I need to buy, things to get done around the house, and things for my mom and husband to do or ask after surgery.

I'm trying to be patient, I really am, but it's just not working.

Good news is that my boss hasn't even asked me about details of the surgery. In my initial e-mail where I told him about it, I basically said "laparoscopy for endometriosis." I figured if he wanted to know more, he could google it. I told him last time I had it done I took a week off, then tried to come back, but that it was too soon, and ended up needing that second week also.

So I'm already approved for one full week off afterwards (bye bye sick time) and will play it by ear the second week. HR said they can put me in the negative for sick time and make it up over the next few months. Sick time accrues one day per month, so it would take me until October or November to catch up. But I've still got 3.5 vacation days, so if I end up getting sick later on, I've still got those. I'm also doing a pretty good job of getting ahead on my projects. The president actually said "little early for this isn't it?" Then I told I'm having surgery and trying to get ahead, and he just smiled and said he hoped I had a good recovery.

In other news, I am still using OPKs. I want to know when I'm ovulating so I can predict when my actual period will arrive...but I may not even ovulate prior to surgery...and I will likely bleed after surgery, so at that point, there will be no way of knowing.


Today is DH and I's 9th wedding anniversary! So hard to believe that it's been that long. I'm so grateful for all the time we've had together as a couple...it's time for a baby :)

Other plans over the next couple weeks include probably going out to dinner with DH tonight to celebrate our anniversary. Tomorrow night, I'm going to see a stage play with mom at my place of work (Peter Pan!) and going out to dinner with her before hand. This weekend, DH and I are going golfing Saturday morning with his Dad, then we have a housewarming party to go to in the afternoon for friends of ours (C & H, and their adorable 8 month old!), then later that evening my bro and his fiance are visiting and staying the night.

Next week is pretty uneventful...but that weekend is one of DH's closest friends b-day...and since I won't have much time to celebrate mine, we will probably all go out and do something!


9 years ago today <3

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

17 Days...

So I've had a few days for things to sink in. And yes, I'm excited for surgery. Well...as excited as one can be to go under the knife. As I've told DH, I'm in constant pain and I'm so sick of it. Surgery is the promise to make that pain go away, even though I know that it will get worse before it gets better. I'm also praying it improves our chances of conceiving once I'm recovered...then...Femara!!

I had the same surgery back in 2005. I was promised that I'd be able to return to work in 3-5 days. I ended up missing 2 weeks of work. I have always been a slow healer, and the recovery was more painful than I anticipated. I will have incisions (I had 4 last time)...and the pushing, pulling, and excising needed to remove the endometriosis is in fact going to cause pain afterwards. I know I can deal with it though. I've been through a lot since I last had this surgery. I've had multiple occurrences of kidney stones, including one that had to be removed surgically...followed by removal of a uretal stent while I was awake (it seriously felt like my insides were being ripped out through my urethra!). I've been through a natural miscarriage (painful physically and emotionally) at 11 weeks; followed by a D&C...then another early miscarriage.

I remember when I went for surgery in 2005, I was scared to death. That was my first major (to me, anyway) surgery...I was even scared of the IV. I started crying when the nurse was preparing to put that in. Now, I'm so used to having IVs everytime I go to the ER with a kidney stone. In fact, an IV usually gives relief to my pain, so I can look at it now like it's nothing!

I know they will give me some happy, floaty drugs prior to surgery through the IV. They make me feel like I'm floating on a cloud...seriously, I act so drunk once they shoot that stuff in. I have no idea what it's called, but it takes all my cares away.

But mostly, I'm just so happy to have the doctor that I do. He has such a positive outlook. He's seen so many patients with similar issues that wanted nothing more than to have a baby; and he's worked through their problems and given them their dream. I can say this because I have lots of friends and acquiantances that went to see him and they all have kids now. He just has a way. He acts like he truly cares, and I ultimately feel like it's because he really does!

I've already started a countdown...17 days! I'm still waiting on a time...I'm praying it's early in the morning. I don't do so well without eating and I know I won't be able to eat at least 8 hours prior to surgery. My follow-up is August 23rd at 3:45 (13 days post surgery). I've also already spoken to the HR lady where I work and my boss and I know I'm taking the day of surgery (Aug 10) and the entire next week...and probably at least half of the week after (if not the entire week...just have to see how I feel).

I've started making a list of things I want to have done prior to surgery including laundry, dishes, and making sure the house is clean and dusted. I want fresh sheets on the bed and clean towels in the bathroom. I already turned the nightstand sideways so I can reach the drawer without having to sit up...I already started storing pills and remote controls in there. And since the table is sideways now, I have more room to put things on it and still be able to reach them while laying down. Also, since we have a log bed, we can store things on top of the logs on the top two corners. My ipad fits perfectly on one and I can put books and magazines on the other! I still need to move my ipad cord so I can charge it while in bed.

I also need to fill the prescription for Vicodin that the doctor gave me so I have it ahead of time (even though I already have a stash of Vic's and Tramadols from endo pain and kidney stone pain). I ordered the "Ultrasoft Sleepshirt" from Victoria's Secret to wear to and from the hospital. Last time I wore flannel PJ pants and the waistband was awful...so, no waistband this time. I plan to wear slip-on sandals.

I also need to buy Gas-X (for the shoulder pain), stool softener (nothing worse than being constipated with abdominal incisions), prune juice and Activia yogurt (I soooo don't want to be constipated, can you tell?), magazines to read, movies (even though we already have a ton)...and maybe a bell to make DH run up and down the stairs (hahah, just kidding on the last one...I'll use my phone and text him) :)

So, I'm ready. Time to hurry up and wait some more!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Finally...a Plan!!!

Finally...I got to go to the OB/GYN I WANTED...and he agreed, the guy I went to last year is a complete asshole :-)

My new guy (well, sorta...I saw him back in 2005) is awesome...very laid back...makes you feel SO relaxed...and he's hilarious! He said no need to repeat the u/s since I just had it done 3 weeks ago and it came back normal. He did bloodwork, pap smear and pelvic exam. Parts of the pelvic were painful...he said that was the endometriosis causing that.

So...we are setting up another laparoscopy. Tentative date is August 10th. Then after I'm recovered from that, he is putting me on Femara to help me ovulate on a regular basis.

Fingers crossed this is all it takes. He seems very confident that once I have the lap done, I won't be in pain all the time, and that the Femara will make it a lot easier to time things and that I should be pregnant in no time!

He also made sure to code things so that insurance doesn't categorize it as "infertility" or "trying to conceive"...instead it's under "irregular and painful cycles" so they should cover a majority of my surgery.

Did I mention I love this guy! So excited for what the future holds!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

1 More Day!

My appointment is tomorrow at 10:30am. I feel like I have been waiting for this for so long. And in a way, I guess I have. This is the OB I wanted (Dr. T) last June when I first got pregnant, but couldn't go to him because I didn't have insurance and they didn't take cash-paying patients. I was forced to go to an unknown OB. I wish I would've taken more time to research who I was seeing. I took the advice of an acquiantance because she already had one child and was currently pregnant at the time. I assumed she would go to someone that I would like as well. WRONG. He was the biggest ass EVER! So cold, uncaring and mean. I will never go back to him or recommend him to anyone.

Anyway, moving on. AF is done - yay! I already had an abd and vag ultrasound a couple weeks ago and no cysts, masses or fluid was found. Bloodwork was done and everything appeared normal (hormonally). So...I'm praying that I can get some answers tomorrow...or set-up a lap to remove some endo. I'm so tired of hurting...and no ovulating...

Monday, July 16, 2012


I am feeling so lost right now. So left behind.

Let me preface this by saying I am SO happy for those you that have gotten your BFPs recently. Several blogs that I read have recently found out they are pregnant...and they so deserve it.

But I'm jealous. There. I said it. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it.

I don't even know how to deal with these feelings anymore. I thought things were improving and I was healing, but now I'm not so sure. Every step that I take forward, I feel like I have to take two steps back...and with each passing cycle, I'm losing more and more ground.

Others are moving on...getting pregnant. Even those that had miscarriages after me. It's a tough pill to swallow. Somewhere in my heart, I am happy for them...I really am. Because I want the same in return when I am pregnant again someday. If it ever happens again.

Most of the people in my life don't fully understand how it feels and never will. They try to comfort me by saying "your time will come." I find myself feeling bitter over their words. Angry that they could say that when, in reality, my time did come, and it was ripped away from me. Twice.

I'm drowning in my own sorrows...in feeling sorry for myself. But I can't seem to drag myself out of this dark place. It's like I'm wandering around aimlessly searching for a way out...but it's so dark and cold...and I'm so lost.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Temp Drop

HUGE temp drop...AF should be here today or tomorrow :(

Friday, July 13, 2012


Temp went up, which it never does on 13dpo...it always drops. I took a Wondfo test and see what looks like the lightest of lines...but now I'm going cross-eyed looking at it. Then I took a FRER, which was stark white.

A link to my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/381c6e

Here are my tests from 9dpo (top) to today 13dpo (bottom), untweaked:

Here are my tests, tweaked...ugh, hate tweaking my own tests:

Am I crazy?! Wouldn't I get a faint on a FRER if these were actual lines...or are these just evil indents?

Also, I don't feel like my period is coming today...at least not yet. My boobs hurt and I'm hungry...that's about it for symptoms.

Please body, don't play tricks on me!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

20 Things Angel Mommies Wish You Knew

Someone shared this on babycenter and I felt the need to share here:



BFN. My temps are still up, but I'm just not feeling it this cycle. You know how sometimes you can just tell it's not going to happen? That's how I'm feeling :( I just want next week's appointment to get here already...8 more days!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Another Monday

I hate Mondays...but then again, who doesn't? For some reason, this one feels particularly annoying. Not only did I have to go back to work after a relaxing weekend, knowing that I had no holiday or vacation day SOMETIME during the week, but it's the second week of the TWW.

I always say that I'm not going to act like a crazy women during that second week, but I always do. ALWAYS!

And I'm already depressed with a BFN this morning (9dpo). Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? It is so early. I still have a chance. But I just can't help it. I think I'm driving myself crazy...or perhaps I'm already there!

I keep seeing pregnancy announcements and ultrasounds and people keep posting pictures of their newborns on facebook. It. is. killing. me! Where is my baby? What am I doing wrong?

I had originally said that I was going to be patient this time. That I wasn't going to be disappointed if I didn't get pregnant this time around because my doctor's appointment was next week, and that would be enough for me to look forward to. But I apparently lied to myself. I want to be pregnant. Right now!

In addition to all of that, today at work is just DRAGGING by. I just want to go home and crawl into bed under the warm covers. And cuddle with my doggies. I want today to be over already...

I want this week to be over already!

Friday, July 6, 2012

6DPO...Boring Part of TWW!

Well, it's 6dpo...still in the first week of the TWW. I hate this time. It's about now that I start getting antsy. It's too early to know anything...but past the excitement of ovulation. Everything is just so blah right now. I keep telling myself that my OB appointment is fast-approaching...and my period should be pretty much over by that time...but then, in the back of my mind I'm thinking "unless I'm pregnant..."

I'm holding on to that last bit of hope that I will be pregnant and won't have to go through a second laparoscopy (at least not now). The timing would be perfect. I'd see my OB when I was 4w5d...just in time to take any necessary (progerstone) precautions and to do my labs to make sure everything is progressing correctly. But I just don't want to get my hopes up.

I'm preparing myself to be ready for the lap. I've had one before so I'm not nervous about it like I was the first time around. When I had the first one, I hadn't really had any other surgeries. I hadn't experienced pain from kidney stones or a miscarriage. Even getting an IV was scary to me. Now, sadly, I'm a pro at all that. IV's don't bother me at all. Neither does the actual surgery...or even the pain afterwards. If anything, I'm relieved to be able to take some time off work to collect myself and prepare for getting pregnant post-lap.

At any rate, I will still be POAS next week in hopes of 2 pink lines.

For your viewing please, my chart...Lord knows I've stared at it enough the last few days!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

4dpo & New Bathroom Stuff

4dpo today - feeling tired...and I've had a low-grade fever most of the day (99.2). It is hot outside today but the air is running. And my face has been really hot. I guess, if anything, it just means my body is pumping out more than enough progesterone...yay! Or maybe it's a sign of good news ahead...


I bought a new shower curtain and rug for the bathroom. The shower curtain I got at Kohl's for $25...and the rug I have been eyeing at Anthropologie for quite some time, but kept putting off buying it because it was $58. Luckily I found one on eBay and paid $21 with shipping!

DH hates the rug, as expected, but I love it. It's so fluffy and soft on my feet :-)

Other than that, nothing too exciting today. DH took the doggies and went over to his Dad's...but I was feeling so lazy and crappy (hot) that I decided to stay home and just relax.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Endometriosis, How I Haven't Missed You!

Just finished up with my appointment with my family doctor, and I'm actually kind of relieved.

It's definitely not PCOS. No cysts! Yay! And all my bloodwork for my hormone levels came back normal. I do have high cholesterol, which was kind of a surprise to me, but my mom also has it, so it's likely hereditary. She is putting me on meds to control that. As far as the pelvic pain goes, she seems to think it's endometriosis. I was diagnosed with that back in 2005 when I was having similar issues, and my OB removed a TON of it! So...it's likely I will have to have another lap to remove it. I really feel like this will allow my cycles to return to normal (at least for a short while) and it doesn't seem like I'm going to need meds to help me ovulate. Or at least I'm guessing he'll at least wait and see if I can do it on my own first.

I feel such a relief that it's not PCOS...and it's something that can be treated (at least long enough to conceive).

And, I'm pretty sure I O'ed on Saturday. My temps are up and if they stay up, FF will give me crosshairs tomorrow!