Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Remembering

My only memories of my lost little ones are photos of my tests and my belly pictures...I can't bear to let go of them...and I often gaze at them and think about what would've been.

Pregnancy #1

First positive approximately 4w1d  6/27/11

Digital and another + test 4w2d  6/28/11

7w  7/10/11
                           8w  7/17/11


9w  7/24/11

9w5d 7/29/11

10w  7/31/11


10w3d  8/3/11

Found out 8/5/11 at first appointment that pregnancy sac was empty.
Began miscarrying 8/8/11. D&C 8/18/11.


 Pregnancy #2



First positives 11/14/11 approximately 10dpo. Miscarried 11/18/11.



The Truths in Miscarriage

I realize it's been a few days since I posted here and it's time I put some of my thoughts into a blog post. Without being sarcastic or funny. Just typing how I feel.

Sunday, February 26, would've been my due date for my first pregnancy. I thought I would feel different somehow. But it felt just like any other day. I had moments where I could concentrate on everyday things. And moments where I thought of nothing but the child that I should've been holding in my arms.

It hit me hard when DH was talking online to his aunt and she said something like "You have to let go and move on." At the time, to me this felt like telling me to forget that it happened and put it behind me. But after reading through another blog yesterday, I realized what she meant. In fact, if anyone would understand how I feel, it would be her as she had a stillborn many, many years ago.

Ultimately, she meant that life goes on. Dwelling on what happened, although therapeutic at times, doesn't help. It happened and I can't change it. I have to focus on trying to conceive now...and all the positive things that I do have in my life. Just because I am moving on does not meant that I will ever forget...because I won't.

Ever since miscarrying, my life has changed. I think anyone who has been through a miscarriage can attest to this. The moment you see those two pink lines staring back at you, you fall in love. And no matter how much you try to protect yourself after having a miscarriage, you ache to see them again, no matter the outcome. It's a love that's indescribable...you'd go the ends of the earth and back for the life inside you. It's a deeper love than you ever imagined you could give.

Losing that life really makes you focus on what matters most in life.
The people close to you. The moments that you look back upon and smile.
Not the things.

Sure, it's great to have a roof over your head, and a car, and money to buy new clothes. But at the end of the day, you can replace all of those things.

What you can't replace our the people in your life and the memories you make with them.

Miscarriage has taught me that life is all too precious, and you have to cherish what you have while you still have it. No matter for how long.

***

Upon browsing the Internet about miscarriages, I stumbled across this website that really spoke to me. It talks about truths and non-truths about miscarriages...and so many of these really make you think:

http://www.ivf.com/misc.html

My two favorites truths are these:
The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.
The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.


Which basically goes back to what I was saying earlier. My life will NEVER be the same. This (these) lives (souls) have touched my heart...and lived within me. I can never forget about those journeys, however brief they were.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Someday

This past weekend DH and I went to hang out with one of our only couple friends...C & H. They just recently had a baby and got married...her pregnancy was a surprise (meaning they weren't actively trying)...and they got married several months after finding out about it. But...I am happy for them. They seem like they are happy together and everything appears to have worked out the way it was supposed to.

Anyway, since my miscarriages, I generally find it difficult to be around anyone that is  pregnant or recently had a baby...except for them. H was so amazing after both of my miscarriages. She had previously just been an acquaintance...but she seemed so sympathetic, despite not having gone through a miscarriage herself...and she was pregnant during both of them. Most pregnant women don't want to think about miscarriage, so for her to have listened so patiently during that time meant the world to me. Anyway, she is basically the only woman I can be around that has recently had a baby. For some reason it just doesn't bother me. I see what a great mother she is...and how happy both her and C are, and I just can't help but smile. It is only when I am with them that I truly feel hopeful that someday this too will become my destiny -- that I will be able to one day experience the joy of motherhood!

On the TTC front, it's CD18 today and I am still waiting to O. My OPKs still look almost positive, but they just aren't quite getting super dark yet. I'm getting so annoyed! Other than that, DH and I are sticking to SMEP pretty good so far...we started on CD8, skipped CD9 and also missed CD10 (even though it's an every other day plan up until a positive OPK)...started back up again at CD11, then 13, then 15, then 17. We're on a roll! But in my head I'm thinking: [please O soon...I'm really getting tired....]

CD11 - CD18 (top to bottom):


Last cycle's positive OPK:


Summary
  • Temps: Still pre-O and low. Boo!
  • Ovaries: They suck!
  • Libido: Lacking...and already tired of every other day BDing
  • Torturing Myself: Thinking about what would've been with my upcoming due date this Sunday...and seeing the woman I work with who is going to be giving birth tomorrow...and thinking "that should've been me"
  • Exercise: Lifting weights and doing cardio 3 times/week. I've not lost much to speak of yet, but I'd really love to get down to 115 again (currently 123.6 as of today)
  • Work: Busy, but a good busy. Not so much as to drive me crazy, but enough to keep the day going by fairly fast
  • TV Watching: On to season 4 of How I Met Your Mother

Friday, February 17, 2012

Hurry Up! I'm Impatient...

I hate waiting. I'm impatient and there isn't a damn thing I can do to fix it. It's CD14 today. I started the OPKs 4 days ago and they started off with a barely existent second line. Bummer. But then on CD12...it got much darker but not positive just yet. I had hopes that maybe I'd ovulate sometime this century! Last cycle I didn't O until CD31. UGH!

Summary

  • Temps: Still low and eerily like last month's chart - me and my stupid obsession with chart overlays
  • Ovaries: Still not ovulating when I want them to and they don't listen...what bad students they are
  • Libido: Lacking...and already tired of every other day BDing
  • Torturing Myself: Going to pages on facebook...of friends that I have unsubscribed to either because they are gestating, recently given birth, or have a child under 2 years of age. Why do I even feel the need to look at their page...when I know I'm going to see happiness that I no longer have and then subsequently want to throw something through the window
  • Exercise: Back into it and feeling good...it's a great distraction from wondering whether my ovaries are going to do their job or if something is going to inhabit my uterus soon
  • Work: I'm still going in and getting paid, so it's all good
  • TV Watching: Still addicted to How I Met Your Mother...and already dreading when I'm going to finish season 6...and I'm still on season 3





Wednesday, February 15, 2012

2WW & Crazy Alter Egos

There are things I do during the two week wait that I don't otherwise do. These things seems completely normal to me at the time. But looking back...they ALWAYS seems insane. A new cycle starts and I tell myself, I'm going to be normal during the 2WW this time. But then I ovulate, the cycle continues and my crazy-self emerges yet again, despite my constant pleas to remain calm.

Symptoms
Everyone has them. Unfortunately though, a symptom for one person could mean something completely different for someone else. Yet we all continue to symptom spot and compare. Every month, I wait for a twinge. Or a pinch. Something...anything that could mean something is inhabiting my uterus.

There are so many symptoms I've had in the past I SWORE meant I was pregnant, then I ended up getting AF:
  • Pinching, twinges and pokes mid-luteal phase I totally thought were implantation
  • Excessive gas and bloating (Wind so bad that DH moved to a different bed)
  • Peeing more than usual (even when I knew I had consumed more liquids than usual, duh)
  • Strong sense of smell - everything either smelled wonderful or like garbage.
    To the point of having dry heaves.
  • Feeling extra tired. I blame this one solely on progesterone. The same thing that makes you tired when you are pregnant does the same thing when you are not. Thanks P!
  • Feeling pregnant. This one is all about my mind tricking my heart into believing that I am pregnant. Stupid me for actually believing myself.
  • Hot flashes. Again, thanks progesterone. My temp is higher. Very easy explanation for hot flashes, but I instantly assume this means I am with child.
  • Metallic taste in mouth. I have actually only had this one time and that was the month of my chemical pregnancy. I try not to look for this one because if I trick my mind into thinking I must be eating pennies, that I just have to be pregnant. Especially since it's never been a phantom symptom for me.
  • Certain types of CM. Nothing better than getting a feeling of hope from looking in your underwear. No, seriously! Some woman have noted lots of creamy CM and then end of pregnant. But as I said earlier, symptoms vary from woman to woman. Every month, I draw every tiny conclusion I can from this stuff.

Peeing on stuff

Women not actively trying to conceive probably don't even have a home pregnancy test in their bathroom...or if they do, maybe they have one...or two...or an expired box. But those of us that are obsessed with getting pregnant have piles of them! And those piles are just for one cycle. Once ovulation happens, it takes all we can muster to not POAS (pee on a stick) at 4dpo (days past ovulation). This comes from personal experience because, yes, I have POAS at 4dpo KNOWING that there was no way it could be positive. But I have to pee on SOMETHING! My husband has actually compared me to a dog lifting its leg on anything just so a little pee trickles out. You might laugh, but for those of you who know the 2WW hell, it's true.

One-track mind
Nothing else matters during the 2WW. The rest of the month, I live my life semi-normally (other than OPKs, tracking CM, taking temps and inputting them all into a chart). What I mean by normal is that I can at least sort of focus on other endeavors. I can go to the gym, lift weights and run on the treadmill with little guilt or worry that perhaps my uterus will fall out or I might somehow affect the fertilization of my egg by upping my incline by 1%.

 I can watch movies about babies with hope that someday that will be me. But once the 2WW hits, all that falls to the wayside. If I'm pregnant, I'll definitely be too tired to go to the gym, so no use putting forth effort that will inevitably be futile. And my TV remote no longer even comes near TLC. Those baby shows are just too much added stress during the 2WW, especially the ones about women who never knew they were pregnant. I still wonder HOW...how can you not notice your period is absent for 9 months and there is a body moving inside you! Baffles the mind...so watching those during the time when I am so focused on every twingle and pinch is just too much.

During the 2WW, I am obsessed with Fertility Friend. Overlaying my old charts with my current charts hoping for some pattern to emerge that will tell me what is happening with my body. I'm also constantly searching other charts that are similar to mine...comparing their symptoms, intercourse timing, etc. It's never-ending. I could literally spend the entire 2WW on that site!

Lying to yourself
  • Telling yourself that a pinch at 7dpo MUST mean implantation. 
  • Your temp dropped and then rose...HA! Implantation dip. 
  • You can smell EVERYTHING...that must mean that little eggie is making it happen.
  • 14dpo and BFN with a 14 day luteal phase. Must've been late implantation and my tests aren't sensitive enough.
  • OMG...I totally see a second line if I hold this up to the light by the window in the sunlight...use a magnifying glass, all while standing on my head. SEE IT?!
  • And even when spotting begins when AF has started to arrive, you tell yourself that maybe it's just early pregnancy spotting.
All of this is an attempt to trick yourself into believing that you really are pregnant...even if you're not. And it's such a mean trick that our body actually plays along with this game. That stupid bitch progesterone has been playing us all along.

But the biggest 2WW lie I tell myself every cycle is that I won't do these things ever again. I tell myself I will relax, stay calm. Not read into any of my symptoms. That I won't become that crazy woman who swears she will die if the next cycle becomes another failure. I'd be lying if I didn't feel that way right now. I feel calm. I feel like "whatever will be, will be." But just you wait. O is just around the corner and so is that crazy woman just waiting to rear her head for another 2 weeks full of lies!

How I Met Your Mother - I'm Hooked!

So a few weeks ago, my husband got me started watching "How I Met Your Mother." His friend had told him it was legend "wait for it" dary! Ever since then, we have bought all the seasons on DVD and I'm currently on season 3!

So in honor is this totally awesome show...a few quotes:


When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead... True story!



I'm teaching Ted how to live. I'm like Yoda, only instead of little and green, I'm awesome and wear suits. I'm Broda, and tonight, you're going to use the force to get any girl in here.

Ted: Do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.

Ted: hey,dude,i think that hot girl over there smiling at me
Barney: That's a chair but yeah dude hit that

Ted: Vomit-free since '93!

Robin: Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex.
Lily: Did you grow up in that Footloose town?

Hat. You thought of authentic Native American head-dress, before hat.

Robin: "How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?"
Barney: "It's Canada! Question 1: Do you want to be Canadian? Question 2: Really?"

Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily their son Totally and daughter Freakin'?


Do you have any favorite quotes or moments from this show?









Monday, February 13, 2012

Exercise, Losing Weight and TTC

As of late, I realized that I have two main goals in my life right now:

1.) Get pregnant
2.) Exercise and lose weight

And upon looking at both of those goals, trying to complete both at the same time poses somewhat of a problem.

Goal #1 requires eating healthy, taking pre-natals, temping, checking CM, using OPKs...basically what I have been doing - obsessing over everything involved with it and hoping that such an obsession will eventually render me pregnant. That and doing the deed. But this goal, ever since my second miscarriage last November, has not only been a goal, but has also become something I can't get out of my mind. I'm constantly thinking about it.

Now, in order to obtain any goal, you need to be able to focus on it. Concentrate on the task at hand. So...that being said, how can I possibly obtain goal #2 when my mind has been so clearly focused on getting pregnant. That's my dilemma.

In some ways, the two goals CAN go hand in hand. I can treat goal #2 as a means of obtaining goal #1. If I am exercising - running and lifting weights, I want to also focus more on eating more balanced meals - fewer calories, less fat, and just generally eating better. At the same time, I can continue taking my pre-natal vitamins and drinking more water and less caffeine. All of these things won't necessarily get me pregnant, but they couldn't hurt. Or at least prepare my body for pregnant better.

In the past, particularly the past few years, exercise was my number one priority. I was training for half marathons, lifting weights to tone muscles, and my weight was in check. I was probably in the best shape of my life. Until I got pregnant, and that all went out the window. I've gained about 10 lbs. from the lowest I have been in the last 10 years. I'm now 123 lbs. I know, I know...not a bad weight at all. I'm 5'2", so I'm well within a healthy range.

Ideally, I'd like to get back to 115 lbs.
I want to be able to run/walk 3/2 intervals for 3 miles without huffing and puffing.
I'd like to get back to lifting - to at least tone my muscles

In the meantime, it's going to be a struggle. I'm still going to be actively trying to conceive.
That includes: temping, OPKs, charting, checking CM, SMEP, prenatals

Friday, February 10, 2012

Again...

After my D&C, I had a very strong desire to try to conceive right away. I was told to wait one cycle, but that didn't happen. I didn't get my first AF until 7-8 weeks later in October...so after that, DH and I began actively trying to conceive. I used OPKs and checked my CM on a daily basis. We did the deed around ovulation...and then the two week wait began. And those of you TTC will know that the two week wait feels much longer than 2 weeks! I began taking hpt's very early...around 8dpo. Stupid, I know. But I'm impatient. At 10dpo, I got a very faint line. So faint, I almost didn't believe it. I thought I was making myself see it because I wanted to be pregnant so bad. But I got another positive the next day at 11dpo, so I made a doctor's appointment. I went in on 13dpo and the urine test came back negative. Not surprising - doctor's urine hpt's notoriously detect much higher levels than some at-home tests. Still...I freaked out! They had to do a blood draw and said they'd call me as soon as the results came in. I left the doctor's office, went to buy a FRER and peed on it as soon as I got home. 2 beautiful, pink lines appeared...and I relaxed a bit...

...until the next morning. I couldn't help but pee on another FRER since I had an extra, and the line was barely even there. I started crying and an hour later, began bleeding and cramping. I knew I had just experienced a chemical pregnancy -- for those that don't know what that is...it's when the egg is fertilized and begins to implant into the uterus, but can't fully implant for whatever reason. I suspect it was because I still wasn't healed from the D&C and my lining was likely pretty thin. Later that day my doctor called to tell me I was pregnant but that my hcg levels were only at a 7.

I stayed in bed all day writhin in pain and bleeding fairly heavily. I had just lost 2 babies in the span of 3 1/2 months. This one, at the time, seemed equally difficult, but looking back, I got over the chemical much easier than the first. It was as if I almost expected something bad to happen.

I am still dealing with the loss of both of my babies...but I truly believe everything happens for a reason...and we are continuing on my quest to conceive our rainbow baby!

My World Stopped

My intuition is almost always spot on, so when I started spotting around 6 weeks, I should've listened to what my body was telling me. But others assured me it was completely normal so long as it wasn't red and I wasn't cramping, so I believed them. The spotting continued, off and on, but was always very light. I even mentioned it to my step-mom when she came to visit. She told me not to worry, so I didn't.

August 5th came and I was 10w5d. It was time for my first appointment. I was nervous but also excited. DH took the morning off work so he could go with me. I even took the evening off work - but for a reason I can't ever let myself forgot. I told myself in the back of my mind that if something was wrong, there is no way I'd be able to go to work. But I just didn't want to believe that anything was wrong, even though something just didn't feel right.

We were one of the first appointments of the day, so the waiting room was empty when we walked in. I reveled in the fact that I was wearing stretchy yoga capris and a tank that showed off my tiny pooch. I was even thrilled that I had to pee as soon as we arrived. The nurse called us back to go through lots of paperwork and discuss some general information. Near the end of the conversation, I mentioned to her that I had been spotting. Her face changed at that moment, and she left the room to go ask the doctor if he wanted to do an ultrasound. Just a couple minutes later she came back in and led us to the u/s room.

DH and I both tried to relax. After I had changed, I just kept looking up at the u/s screen with my name on it. Finally the doctor came in and the u/s began. Talk about an awkward first meeting. "Put your feet in the stirrups, please." A few moments passed and the room was silent. Finally, I saw the sac. And as I focused on it, the doctor began explaining that there was a sac but that it was empty. My heart dropped, but I didn't really realize what he was saying until the u/s was done and he was about to leave the room.

He thought that maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought, but I knew that wasn't the case. I knew that the baby had stopped growing weeks before this appointment...but I just hadn't let myself believe it. I had still felt all the pregnancy symptoms...hungry, exhausted, sore boobs. I was bloated and I was starting to grow a little belly. My body still thought it was pregnant, even though my baby was no longer growing :(

That entire weekend, DH and I just sat around the house...sad and shocked. We told his mom, and because she had wanted so badly to be a grandma, she just didn't believe it. She even told us "but there's still hope..." As much as I wanted to believe that, I just knew it wasn't true. 3 days after my appointment, I began bleeding and cramping. It started off as just very sharp cramps every so often...but then they got closer together. Minutes apart. And stronger. The bleeding started to become very heavy and I couldn't even get off the toilet. There was just too much. Eventually I couldn't take the pain any longer and made my mom drive me to the ER, while DH waited at home. My dad and step-mom were driving in from out of state...so once they arrived, DH would drive with them to the hospital.

In some ways, I wish DH would've been there with me...but in other respects, I'm glad it was my mom holding my hand. I really didn't want DH to have to see me this way. Mom and I arrived at the ER and it was packed. I told them I was in the middle of miscarrying, but there were no beds so I had to wait. I clutched my gut in pain. It was awful. I imagined this is what labor would feel like without medication, only worse because I was losing my baby. The contractions were SO strong and only a minute or so apart. I was actually scared to stand up for fear of bleeding all over myself, so I made mom get me a wheelchair so that once it was time to be wheeled back, I didn't have to walk.

She finally talked me into going to the bathroom in the waiting room. I agreed. The bleeding was horrific. I must've sat on the toilet bleeding and crying for at least 20 minutes. Mom waited outside the door for me and had to turn people away telling them I'd be a while. I finally came out and got back into the wheelchair...and the pain had improved A LOT. I passed a lot of tissue, so I think that helped the pain to subside a little. Shortly after that, I got taken back. They took a urine sample, put in an IV and did the standard bloodwork. I also had (a very messy) ultrasound. But the u/s tech was very sweet and told me that she had miscarried her first pregnancy as well. Shortly after arriving back in my room, my dad, step-mom and DH arrived and were surprised to see me fairly comfortable.

Eventually the doctor came in and did a pelvic to clear away some of the tissue clogging up my cervix. This part was truly awful. I was still bleeding, my legs were in stirrups, my family (even mom) had to leave the room. And while the doctor was clearing stuff out, he said to his assistant "bring the trash can over here; I'm going to need it." This horrified me. Here I was losing my baby and he was throwing pieces of it in the trash like it was garbage. Lucky for me, this part wasn't really that painful physically.

An hour or so later, the doctor came back in and told me that he didn't see the sac on the u/s and I must've passed it. No sh!t doc...I nearly bled out in your waiting room bathroom! My step-mom then pressured him for a D&C and he said he had talked to my OB, who had said that it wasn't necessary. My step-mom was livid! She used to be a nurse and is now on the Indiana State Board of Nurses...so she KNOWS what she is talking about. Regardless, we were discharged and told to follow-up with my OB in a couple days. I actually WALKED out of the ER.

One would think this was the end of the story...but the next day I made an appointment with my OB and my step-mom went with me. It was basically him being very COLD and stating facts about miscarriage. He showed absolutely no compassion, even when I started bawling. My step-mom stepped in and started asking some pertinent questions about what to expect and why I wasn't being given a D&C. He didn't like being questioned, so he snapped right back at her. Finally, we just said OK and I was scheduled for a follow-up u/s a week later. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

A week later, I made my mom go with me. Lo and behold, the u/s revealed that there was still tissue remaining and I'd need a D&C. 3 days later I went in for the procedure. I wasn't overly nervous as I had surgeries in the past and been put under (laparoscopy for endo; and removal of a kidney stone). I knew once I was under, I wouldn't remember or feel anything. I was 12w4d the day of D&C.

I was in and out pretty fast. I did wake up in recovery with some cramping and requested a Vicodin. 20 minutes after that, I was on a post-op area. Had a quick discussion with the doctor who checked to make sure I wasn't bleeding profusely and I was discharged from the hospital.

As I type this, it's been 6 months and 1 day since I lost my baby in the ER, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. The first few weeks I didn't want to live my life unless I was pregnant. I was angry that it happened to me...and jealous of those that were still pregnant or those that had children. I cried every day for a while. Eventually, as weeks turned into months, my tears lessened, but my love for my baby never did.

My desire to be pregnant again, however, had strengthened. I always knew I wanted children, but never did I realize just how much until I lost a child. It's definitely an experience that you can't understand fully unless you have been through it. It brings with it a truckload of emotions including anger, jealousy, and sadness, all of which ebb and flow as time goes on.

I will never, ever forget my baby...I don't think anyone who has ever lost a child due to miscarriage can say that their life isn't forever changed. Miscarriage takes a piece of your heart away...but at the same time, it also brings about a strength thatyou didn't know you ever possessed...and a desire to remain close to God. All lives are created by God...and He chooses everyone's path in life. I choose to keep him close to my heart because I know He will bless me again when the time is right.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Surprise BFP!

On a Monday morning, after a weekend of wondering why my AF hadn't arrived and eating everything in sight, DH said I should take a pregnancy test. I agreed, but figured it would probably be negative. I was wrong...I was shocked when I saw a positive staring me back in the face.

I should back up a bit and explain the whole pregnancy thing. At this point in time, DH and I had been married for almost 8 years. For the last 5-6 years we weren't trying but not preventing either. We figured if it happened, it would happen. But after years of irregular cycles, low libido (me, not DH) and a diagnosis of endometriosis (and a laparoscopy) back in 2005, I was doubtful we would ever fall pregnant. There were definitely a few times when I thought I was because AF stayed away for a while, but I wasn't temping or charting so I likely wasn't even ovulating (or was ovulating late).

Anyway, back to that morning when a + had taken me by surprise. Instead of waiting for DH to get home from work...I decided to call him on the phone and tell him. He was shocked but so happy! Immediately after he got home from work, we drove to his mom's to tell her...she didn't believe us. I had to show her the pee stick! She had bothered us for so many years asking when we were going to make her a grandma. Then we went to his dad's house...who I could tell was already a proud grandpa!

After all the shock and excitement wore off, no sooner did the worry set in. DH was still temporary and I was only part-time getting low wages and unemployment. How would be pay for this baby? I never understood what it was like to feel the worry a parent has for their child, but I have to say, upon seeing those two pretty pink lines, I instantly fell in love. I felt like I had to do everything in my power to provide for this baby...

Over the next couple weeks, we checked into Medicaid but still apparently made too much to qualify. :( This incited panic...plus my emotions had been running wild...and I found out without insurance or Medicaid, my preferred OB/GYN wouldn't take me as a patient. I FREAKED out and bawled to DH...asked him how we were going to find an OB that would take me w/no insurance...and what if I didn't like him/her...all the what ifs...

He assured me that we would figure everything out and that I needed to try not to stress about it. We ended up contacting an insurance agent and bought some insurance. It was going to cost us an arm and a leg, but it was worth it for our baby. I took the advice of an aquiantance that had a toddler and another baby on the way, and decided to contact her OB. This ultimately turned out to be a bad decision and I should've taken more time to make a choice. But more on that later. At this point (mid-July) I was happy to have insurance and an OB.

(To be continued...)

2011 and Beyond

Let's see...where did I leave off? DH had gotten laid off again in December 2010...ironically from a company I had worked for 5 years previously. They had hired me saying they needed someone full-time, but turns out once I completed the projects they needed done right away, they axed me. I had hated it there anyway, so it was a blessing in disguise...so when DH had taken this job, we had a bad feeling about it from the start. But really had no other choice. The only good thing that came out of it was that it had reset his unemployment. Back to the drawing board we went.

2011 was looking pretty bleak. But DH continued to look for work...and I still worked my part-time job, was STILL collecting unemployment benefits for myself (somehow) and I also continued to look for a better job for myself. In the meantime, we took in one of DH's friends as a roommate (we'll call him B). B had worked with DH at his stable job back in 2008...and B had also gotten laid off when the company sold...and had also yet to find good work. So we charged him next to nothing to rent out half of our mostly finished basement. Neither of us were overly fond of taking in a roommate, but we felt it was necessary to have that extra income rolling in, despite how little it really was. Ultimately, we were helping a friend who needed it just as bad as we did.

Then, in June, we turned a corner. DH got a full-time, long-term temporary job with a Fortune 500 company. He had been working with a staffing agency for a few months to try and expand his search a bit and finally a temp job had opened up. At was sort of last minute...someone that orignally took the job found a different job and opted for that one instead...this opened the door for DH. He ended up having to start work the very next day and missed 2 days of training that other temps hired in that week had already completed. It was a bit of a drive, but not totally unreasonable and the pay was decent. Neither one of us liked the idea of temporary work, but what choice did we have.

(to be continued...)

Monday, February 6, 2012

2008-2010

I realize it's been a long time since I've used this blog, but I intend to start using it more now. The last few years have presented themselves as the most trying times of my life. I'd like to attempt to use this blog as an outlet for things that I've been through in the past, as well as dreams I have for the future.

I last posted here in December of 2007. At the time, DH and I were preparing to list our house for sale. We both had good full-time jobs and wanted a larger, nicer house. Our wish-list included more square footage, a master bath with jacuzzi tub, full finished basement, larger yard and nicer location. DH had been at his job for at least 10 years. He had worked his way up as a bagger at a grocery store, to second in command in the accounting department. He liked his job (for the most part) and his boss. They were both in their 30's and had planned to stay at this job until retirement. At the time, I was working for a small marketing firm doing design work. I loved the environment and the people I worked with and had no plans to find other work. In other words, we both felt stable in our jobs.

All was going well until January 2009. DH found out his company had sold -- what had once been a family-owned private company, was being bought out by a large, publicly traded company. They already had their own accounting department, so DH was laid off since they no longer needed him. With just my salary, we could make it, but dreams of a new house were put on hold. Then, a month later, I was laid off. The economy was getting BAD...and clients weren't spending money, therefore there just wasn't enough work coming in to keep me employed.

Within a few months, we went from planning on moving up to a nicer, more expensive home, to both getting laid off and trying to find a way to live off of unemployment until we could find better work. At first, we were optomistic that we would both find new jobs within a few months. We both had Bachelor's degrees and plenty of experience in our field. How hard could it be?

The answer? HARD.

We lived in a city with probably one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. The economy was awful...crime rates not much better...and places just weren't hiring. It wasn't until September of 2009 (7 months after I was laid off) that I found a job. It was part-time, second shift, and less than half of what I WAS making, but it was a job and it was in my field. So I took it. DH ended up going back to the grocery store as a cashier -- working part-time and making almost a third of what he was making. With these jobs, albeit part-time, and unemployment, we could hold our heads above water for a while at least.

That is until April of 2010. By then, we had exhausted all of our savings to make our house payment. We sold DH's car...paid it off and made just enough off of it to buy a used car. My car got paid off from some inheritance that we received. But savings was running low, and but were drowning trying to hold onto our house. As hard as the decision was to make, we had to let it go. But instead of not paying the bank anymore, we got lucky, and DH's mom decided she wanted to live there. We wrote out a land contract, she moved in, and DH and I moved in with his dad until we could get back on our feet.

We moved in with him in April of 2010. It was difficult living with DH, the two dogs and our most important possessions in a tiny bedroom, but we had no choice. Finally, by September 2010, DH found a job; and with me still working at my part-time job, we had enough to buy a house and move out. Turns out...a nicer house than we had before...and the payment was less. We got lucky!

However, two months after we moved in to our new house, DH got laid off again :(