Wednesday, February 15, 2012

2WW & Crazy Alter Egos

There are things I do during the two week wait that I don't otherwise do. These things seems completely normal to me at the time. But looking back...they ALWAYS seems insane. A new cycle starts and I tell myself, I'm going to be normal during the 2WW this time. But then I ovulate, the cycle continues and my crazy-self emerges yet again, despite my constant pleas to remain calm.

Everyone has them. Unfortunately though, a symptom for one person could mean something completely different for someone else. Yet we all continue to symptom spot and compare. Every month, I wait for a twinge. Or a pinch. Something...anything that could mean something is inhabiting my uterus.

There are so many symptoms I've had in the past I SWORE meant I was pregnant, then I ended up getting AF:
  • Pinching, twinges and pokes mid-luteal phase I totally thought were implantation
  • Excessive gas and bloating (Wind so bad that DH moved to a different bed)
  • Peeing more than usual (even when I knew I had consumed more liquids than usual, duh)
  • Strong sense of smell - everything either smelled wonderful or like garbage.
    To the point of having dry heaves.
  • Feeling extra tired. I blame this one solely on progesterone. The same thing that makes you tired when you are pregnant does the same thing when you are not. Thanks P!
  • Feeling pregnant. This one is all about my mind tricking my heart into believing that I am pregnant. Stupid me for actually believing myself.
  • Hot flashes. Again, thanks progesterone. My temp is higher. Very easy explanation for hot flashes, but I instantly assume this means I am with child.
  • Metallic taste in mouth. I have actually only had this one time and that was the month of my chemical pregnancy. I try not to look for this one because if I trick my mind into thinking I must be eating pennies, that I just have to be pregnant. Especially since it's never been a phantom symptom for me.
  • Certain types of CM. Nothing better than getting a feeling of hope from looking in your underwear. No, seriously! Some woman have noted lots of creamy CM and then end of pregnant. But as I said earlier, symptoms vary from woman to woman. Every month, I draw every tiny conclusion I can from this stuff.

Peeing on stuff

Women not actively trying to conceive probably don't even have a home pregnancy test in their bathroom...or if they do, maybe they have one...or two...or an expired box. But those of us that are obsessed with getting pregnant have piles of them! And those piles are just for one cycle. Once ovulation happens, it takes all we can muster to not POAS (pee on a stick) at 4dpo (days past ovulation). This comes from personal experience because, yes, I have POAS at 4dpo KNOWING that there was no way it could be positive. But I have to pee on SOMETHING! My husband has actually compared me to a dog lifting its leg on anything just so a little pee trickles out. You might laugh, but for those of you who know the 2WW hell, it's true.

One-track mind
Nothing else matters during the 2WW. The rest of the month, I live my life semi-normally (other than OPKs, tracking CM, taking temps and inputting them all into a chart). What I mean by normal is that I can at least sort of focus on other endeavors. I can go to the gym, lift weights and run on the treadmill with little guilt or worry that perhaps my uterus will fall out or I might somehow affect the fertilization of my egg by upping my incline by 1%.

 I can watch movies about babies with hope that someday that will be me. But once the 2WW hits, all that falls to the wayside. If I'm pregnant, I'll definitely be too tired to go to the gym, so no use putting forth effort that will inevitably be futile. And my TV remote no longer even comes near TLC. Those baby shows are just too much added stress during the 2WW, especially the ones about women who never knew they were pregnant. I still wonder can you not notice your period is absent for 9 months and there is a body moving inside you! Baffles the watching those during the time when I am so focused on every twingle and pinch is just too much.

During the 2WW, I am obsessed with Fertility Friend. Overlaying my old charts with my current charts hoping for some pattern to emerge that will tell me what is happening with my body. I'm also constantly searching other charts that are similar to mine...comparing their symptoms, intercourse timing, etc. It's never-ending. I could literally spend the entire 2WW on that site!

Lying to yourself
  • Telling yourself that a pinch at 7dpo MUST mean implantation. 
  • Your temp dropped and then rose...HA! Implantation dip. 
  • You can smell EVERYTHING...that must mean that little eggie is making it happen.
  • 14dpo and BFN with a 14 day luteal phase. Must've been late implantation and my tests aren't sensitive enough.
  • OMG...I totally see a second line if I hold this up to the light by the window in the sunlight...use a magnifying glass, all while standing on my head. SEE IT?!
  • And even when spotting begins when AF has started to arrive, you tell yourself that maybe it's just early pregnancy spotting.
All of this is an attempt to trick yourself into believing that you really are pregnant...even if you're not. And it's such a mean trick that our body actually plays along with this game. That stupid bitch progesterone has been playing us all along.

But the biggest 2WW lie I tell myself every cycle is that I won't do these things ever again. I tell myself I will relax, stay calm. Not read into any of my symptoms. That I won't become that crazy woman who swears she will die if the next cycle becomes another failure. I'd be lying if I didn't feel that way right now. I feel calm. I feel like "whatever will be, will be." But just you wait. O is just around the corner and so is that crazy woman just waiting to rear her head for another 2 weeks full of lies!

1 comment:

  1. Bahaha! We even use the same vocabulary: "peeing on stuff". LOVE this post. And I can definitely relate.