Thursday, August 30, 2012

DH's SA is today!

DH's dreaded sperm analysis has arrived and I think he's ok with it. Only problem is, he hurt his shoulder somehow and know it's in a sling. His "functional" arm. His appointment is at 10am but he chose to do it at home since it's only a 20 minute drive and it just has to be there within an hour. But since he can't use his arm, I'm going into work late so I can do the job for him. :) then he is driving it up there. The cup fits perfectly and safely in his sling...right in the crook of his arm :)

 I don't know why, but I feel nervous about it. I don't think it's him, but you never know. I just want everything to come back normal on his side of things because I really think that mine is going to be a fairly easy fix.

 I've also started taking my prenatals on cd1 this cycle. I want to do everything I can to make this cycle work. Only problem is that my digestive system still isn't back to it's normal self since surgery...meaning I'm not completely regular yet. And prenatals are notorious for causing constipation. I was in so much pain last night, I felt like was going to burst...but then I'd go to the bathroom and nothing would happen. So I got home from work and took two stool softeners. Finally a few hours later...and..success! Followed by awful diarrhea. Ugh gross...but hopefully that's the worst of it.

Tomorrow is cd5...the start of Femara. Oh...and it only cost me $6.50 for the 10 pills. Yay! It's also Labor Day weekend so I've got Monday off (paid). And my new chair is being delivered to our house tomorrow...just in time for football this weekend. I plan to park my butt in it all weekend :)

Monday, August 27, 2012

Pretty Sure I'm Not LP is almost always 14 days...but it seems surgery may have screwed it up this time. I'm 99.9% sure AF is arriving early. My temps are still kind of wonky...low at times, higher at times, but generally if it's low at all, it's a bad sign. I'm still spotting but no actual flow. I'm not sure if it's going to turn into any sort of flow so I can't decide what to mark on fertility friend just yet. Going to wait and see.

If it's AF, I'm ok with it. Just wish she'd make it clear that it was her. Then I can go fill my Femara and move on!

Oh, I knew DH wouldn't be happy about having to do an SA...but I'm so proud of him. He made his appointment for this Thursday at 10am. He'll be going all by himself :)

Sunday, August 26, 2012

10dpo More Cramps...& Spotting

This afternoon while watching baseball, I started really feeling like AF was coming...cramps and a something told me to go to the bathroom. I had some watery, brown spotting. Only a couple tiny drops, then a little bit when I wiped. Very unusual for me. I always have a 14 day luteal phase. In 9 months of charting, I haven't noticed anything different, so it seems unusual that this would be my period coming 5 days early. The cramping (which feels more like lower back pain) is still there, but the spotting seems to have stopped. My temp is also still up. I guess only time will tell...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

9dpo Temp Drop & Cramps

9dpo and temp drop again this morning. But then an hour later, it was up an entire degree. WTH? Along with that I'm having cramps this seriously feels like AF is But she's not due until Friday, Aug. 31 and my LP is always 14 days!

Maybe I'm reading way too much into this crap, but here is my chart overlay from my last 4 ovulatory cycles (dating back to December). It really is sad how little I actually ovulate.

Orange is my current cycle!

Dec 21 GREEN.  March 3 PINK.  June 16 BLUE.  July 15 ORANGE.

So, if this one's a bust...bring on the Femara!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Follow-Up Appt. = Yay

The appointment went great and I got all the answers I wanted!

First off, Dr. T was disappointed that he didn't find any endo to remove or many reasons for my pain...except that my bowel was glued to my abdominal wall by scar tissue and that may very well have been causing a majority of my pain. He also said that just because he didn't find endo, doesn't mean there isn't any. In fact, he said that the less endo you have can mean more pain. By having more endo, that may have damaged nerve endings to send pain signals to your brain. But small amounts of it that haven't yet damaged those nerves can still send this "WTF OUCH!" signals to the brain. Good to know I'm not crazy!

So, his next train of thought was how to stop more endo from coming back. He mentioned Lupron, then I realized that I had to remind him that I've been on Lupron before and that the plan this time is to get pregnant. He went back at this point and reviewed the notes on my chart in more detail. I realize he has a lot of patients and there's no way he can remember everything about everyone. Once I said that, he went straight into saying that pregnancy is a great way to keep endo away!

I tell him that my cycles are super irregular, sometimes I O...sometimes I don't. He suggests Femara. So he starts explaining how it works...and that it makes sure that a signal gets sent to the brain so I can ovulate. And that it's primarily a drug for early treatment of breast cancer but that it's been used also for helping women ovulate...and that it's completely safe. Mostly stuff I've already researched. And some other stuff about estrogen...

I asked if that plan is to take it CD 3-7 (typical protocol from what I've read)...but he says he prefers and has had better luck with CD 5-9. I ask if it's a good idea to still use OPKs...which, in hindsight was a silly question. I was going to use them anyway. But he says it's a good idea because then I'll know when my LH surges.

I ask about progerstone...hoping for a blood draw because I was 7dpo yesterday. But he says that's not necessary and he's going to put me on progesterone regardless, just to be safe. He gave me some samples of Crinone (vaginal suppositories)...but told me not to fill the script for Crinone yet because insurance might not cover it and it's super expensive. So, hoping he can give me a ton more samples when the time comes or that he has some sort of backup plan. If it comes down to spending hundreds of dollars for it, we will find a way, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I'm also not super excited about using them every day until I'm 12 weeks...but I will if that's what it takes. I'll need to start it the moment I get a BFP!

Let's see...what else? Oh...he wants DH to have a sperm analysis done. Dr. T mentioned it to DH after my surgery...and that was one of the first things DH told me about when I woke up. He's not happy about it...but we live close enough to the drop-off that he can do his business at home and we can drive the sample up there. I told him I will let him wait until the end of next week in case I am pregnant this time...but if AF arrives, he's doing it! Doc says there's no point in me going through all this if there is an issue with DH's little guys.

So, I got my script for Femara 2.5mg to be taken CD5-9.
Six sample doses of Crinone and a script for 20 more doses.
Instruction paperwork for DH's SA.
Follow-up appointment 9/28 at 3:30pm.( By that time I should be almost through my first Femara cycle)
Return to work note.

Also, I told him about my concerns once I do get pregnant. He told me to call him ASAP once I get a + hpt and he'll order bloodwork right away, then a follow-up beta 2-3 days later to make sure levels are rising. And I will be asking (begging) about a 6-7 week early ultrasound :)

8dpo today and will start testing this weekend. Fingers crossed it worked this time and we won't need meds.  Either way I'm happy with the progress we're making...I have sooo much hope!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Follow-Up Appt Today...and 7dpo

My follow-up appt. day has finally arrived. Just a couple more hours and mom and I will be on our way to Dr. T's office. I'm happy to announce to him that I've ovulated and won't be needing Provera...but wish I could be a few more DPO's so I would know whether this cycle is going to be a bust or not. But I'm hoping he'll give me a prescription for Femara today so I can fill it up AF arrives next Friday.

I had a HORRIBLE backache last the point where it was causing sciatica down my left leg. The last time I've felt that I was pregnant. I also had some weird cramping and twinges in my uterus. I don't want to read too much into it. Maybe things are just feeling different this TWW because of my surgery. Who knows?!

I'll keep this short and try to update tonight about my appointment!

Monday, August 20, 2012

4dpo & Recovery Halted!

It's 4dpo already and I've hardly noticed!

Saturday I had family visiting (my dad and step mom, and my bro and his fiance). I had been feeling pretty good so we went out and did A LOT of stuff on Saturday. We went to Bronner's (the largest Christmas store in the world); which in hindsight was a bad idea...lots of walking...and I'm not used to that yet. I had to sit down near the end. Then we went to the outlet mall...drove to most of the stores, but this is when I started to get tired. I should've said let's go back home...but everyone was having fun, so I went with it. After this we went to eat at Kathy's then looked at all the old cars parked out back for the car show! After that I really should've put my foot down...but we made a pit stop at a golf store...which turned into us playing 18 holes of putt putt (I won!!)...then ice cream! We had to make one last stop at Target for an airbed since we only have one guest bed.

On the way home from Target, I almost started crying. I was so exhausted and my brain started to take over...but it didn't take long before my brain was tired and the last emotion I could bring about were tears. I crawled into bed and then started to feel the pain in my belly. Then every single noise started to make me angry. I kept turning up the TV to drown out the talking outside my bedroom...which really doesn't make sense...but at this point my brain had gone haywire! I eventually fell asleep around 2am :(

Since then, my recovery has gone in reverse. I feel worse than I did a day after my lap. I'm supposed to go back to work Thursday (also the same day as my followup appt) but not sure how I'm going to be feeling by then. And it's all my fault for pushing myself too hard and too soon! least with the recovery, I haven't thought much at all about being in the 2WW! In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I do end up pregnant, if my body can handle it along with this recovery :(

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Post-Op Day 1

This will be short as I'm still pretty groggy...

Surgery went well. Actually got in 20 mins early because previous surgery cancelled. Only lasted 30 minutes...and no endo was found!!! Only thing found was scar tissue from last lap and that was glued to my bowel which was glued to my abdominal wall...likely the reason for my pain the last few months. Doc unglued everything and removed the scar tissue. Only 2 incisions this time instead of in belly button and one just above pubic bone.

Doc told my mom and DH he will give me Provera at my follow-up to induce a period, then I will start Femara cycle days 3-7! I'm so waiting a cycle or two. We can start right away.

I'm taking next week off work and hopefully going back the week after. We'll see how I feel...but so far I'm feeling pretty good...considering.

Pre-op pic:

Post-op (day 1) pic (bandaids will come off later today). I'm pretty bloated and still have iodine all over my belly and upper legs....kind of looks like a blotchy tan :) The other bandaid is a bit lower, just under the lovely mesh underwear.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Surgery Day's finally here, and here I am awake at 5:15am and starving. I still have 4 more hours before my mom arrives...and 5 more hours before I need to be at the hospital. The surgery is at 11:30am EST. I will probably be pretty out of it most of today, but will try to update here sometime tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

One Year

Today marks 1 year since the day I lost George. 8/8/11. A day I'll never forgot, but one that I don't want to remember with sadness; but with a realization that I can love something so much more than I realized. And relish in knowing that love is strength...and that I can and will make it through whatever life throws my way!


Well I left for work in a hurry
I rushed out the door without saying goodbye
I didn't tell her I loved her this mornin'
But I'll tell her tonight I thought to myself

An as I hurried off towards the highway
This truck outta nowhere caught me by surprise
He missed me by inches an my life passed in front of my eyes
I guess that's the reason that they say

Dance every dance an live each day'
As though it's your last
An tell those that you love how you feel
Before it's too late
Life is right here and now
We only go around just one time
So embrace'em and don't waste'em
For these are the days of our lives

Well son as my my legs stopped a shakin'
Took a deep breath an turned my car around
Oh,I'm gonna take that vacation
That we talked about startin' right now

Although I know tomorrow will be here for me
'Cause nothin' in life is for certain but death's guaranteed
And that's the reason that I say

Dance every dance an live each day
As though it's your last
An tell those that you love how you feel
Before it's too late
Life is right here and now
We only go around just one time
So embrace'em and don't waste'em
For these are the days of our lives

Yeah,life is right here and now
We only go around just one time
So embrace'em and don't waste'em
For these are the days of our lives

Monday, August 6, 2012

Busy Weekend...and Triggers

Yesterday marks one year since we found out we were losing our baby :( I was going to post yesterday, but it was such a hectic weekend, I just didn't have time. Parts of the weekend were really good....others, not so much.

Saturday started off good. DH took me to my favorite mall so I could use my birthday gift certificate to Vera Bradley and to buy a new sports bra that I wanted at Lululemon! After that we picked up the doggies and went for a surprise visit to his dad's house....he missed the pups :) The doggies enjoyed that! Then we dropped the kids off and went to see if his mom and gma wanted to go out to dinner. But when we got to their house (gma lives with DH's mom and step-dad), DH's aunt was that he isn't too fond of. I was starving at this point, but I knew we wouldn't be able to go eat until she left. Almost as soon as we walk in the door, she says "guess what...I'm going to be a grandma!" This was sort of devastating to both of us. Her son is in his mid 20's...always losing his crappy jobs because he can't keep his temper under control...and constantly saying he wants to live off the government because he doesn't want to work. He isn't married...just dating this girl...and here they are pregnant and poor...and DH and I are still struggling.

I was laying on the couch facing away from her, trying not to burst into tears. Eventually, she left, and I lost it. DH held me until I stopped...then I had to run away to the bathroom to calm myself a bit more. I could hear DH and gma talking in the living room and her asking what was wrong. I hate that I have to feel so unhappy about other people getting pregnant, but in this case, they have no means to support a baby...they are going to be getting Medicaid and food stamps. Just makes me sad to know that DH and I have the means and desire to have children...and theirs was just an oops.

So, Saturday ended on that sad note. Sunday rolled around and started off much better. We got up early to go play a round of golf with DH's dad. Just 9 holes. None of us are spectacular golfers, but we always have fun. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and the course wasn't busy at all! I played the best golf I've ever played...and so did DH's dad...I shot a 48 (yeah, that's GOOD for me...I think par was 32)...DH's dad shot a 44. And DH...well, he played his worst golf ever and shot a 57. He also hit his head on the roof of the golf cart...twice! I also got a par on hole 2...and nearly a birdie on hole 7.

After golf, we had to get home because my mom was meeting me so we could go meet my brother's fiance (Cammie) for bridesmaids dress fittings! C also brought her other bridesmaid (Gayle) with her! I never knew trying on dresses could be so fun...but it really was! The sales person grabbed a ton of different styles for Gayle and I to try on! I always said I didn't think I could do strapless, but the strapless dresses actually looked better!

We narrowed it down to these two dresses:

We ended up choosing the short, strapless dress (in the watermelon color, above)!

We also decided that it needed a little bling, so we paired it with this sash:

We decided we will wear silver shoes during the ceremony....and we bought matching pink sandals to wear during the reception!

They left the decision up to me as to whether we were going to purchase them...which worried me.

So...let me back up a bit. I made very clear my desire to get pregnant very soon. And since the wedding is July 6th next year, there is a real possibility I will be pregnant, if not HUGE by then. At least that is my hope. So I was very nervous to be ordering a dress that very likely might not fit by July next year. So...eventually the saleswoman brings out a small pillow with a velcro belt attached so I could try it on with the dress we chose. I took it, not thinking anything of it. Until I got into the dressing room and put it on with the dress. I got really nervous and froze. I didn't want to come out of the room with all the mirrors and see myself with the pregnant belly I never got to have. Eventually mom came to the door and as soon as she came in, I lost it crying! Then Cammie came in...and I kept apologizing, for some reason. I agreed to try on a larger dress with the "belly" just so long as I didn't have to come out. Anyway, the dress is really short in the front with a large "belly" but that is the dress they chose anyway. Supposedly I can exchange the dress for a larger size if there is time, but even then, if I'm huge, it's going to look like a shirt. Oh well...I guess we will figure out what to do if that actually happens. So we ordered the dresses...and it IS a gorgeous dress AND I'm super excited! I just never realized the impact of trying on a fake belly exactly one year after finding out we lost our baby :(

The rest of Sunday was fairly uneventful. Mom and I got some food after David's Bridal. Went to Chili's and our waiter was someone I had gone to college with. He looked familiar to me but I couldn't place where....but he remembered me from our graphic design classes. Kept saying that everyone was always in awe of my work! I told him where I worked as a designer and he was impressed. I have to say, I was quite flattered :-) After that, I dropped mom off, and DH and I went grocery shopping to pick up last minute food and drink items for when I'm home the next couple weeks. We went home to watch pre-season football, but both fell asleep pretty early!

All in all, a good weekend...with a couple triggers...but I made it. Wednesday marks exactly a year since we lost our baby, so I know it's going to be hard. But surgery is Friday, so I am trying to look towards that!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Feels Like Just Yesterday...

Scrolling through blogs today...and looking at posts on babycenter, I realize that so many are moving on. I keep telling myself that it's all in God's time and I am at least headed in the right direction now. But then I see those that have had miscarriages AFTER both of mine and are already pregnant again.

I'm also only 5 days away from it being ONE year since I lost George (my first). I just find it so hard to believe that time has flown by so fast. Feels like it all happened just yesterday. And here I am, 12 months later, and takings steps backwards from TTC.

I know everyone says "your time will come"...or "it'll be ok." And then I have that thought in my head, no, it won't be won't ever be "OK." I can't go back and change what happened. I won't ever just get over it.

There are things nearly EVERY DAY that trigger these thoughts. People announcing on facebook that they are pregnant with their third child...bump pictures, ultrasound pictures, newborn babies faces. Sometimes it's more than I can handle. And that's not to say that I'm not happy for those that have been through this storm before...I'm so happy for them. But so sad for me.

One more week until my surgery...and it can't get here soon enough!