Monday, October 22, 2012

What's Next?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately and it's really taking its toll today. It's a combination of being scared, jealous, angry, and sad. I'm scared that I'm going to have to continue on this journey for an unforseen amount of time, and I feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. My life has been consumed with trying to conceive. In some respects, I want to give it a break, but I know that I can't. I want this baby so bad. I can't possibly give up now.

I'm jealous, too. The funny part is, I really thought I was through this part of the grief process. I thought that I would go through each process, step by step, and voila! I'd be healed. But apparently grief doesn't work that way. A few months ago, I felt like I had come out of my depression. I felt like I was moving on from the losses. But as this journey has continued, I realize that the depression was only hiding and it's returned because I still haven't achieved what I've set out to achieve. I keep seeing what feels like everyone around me getting pregnant. Having babies. Being happy. And here I am still peeing on sticks, timing sex, and failing month after month.

DH has tried to be supportive. He keeps telling me that he thinks we are getting closer. And I really want to believe him. I want to believe that the Femara will get us our rainbow. It has gotten my cycles to be somewhat normal, despite the painful ovulation. But in my mind, I just keep envisioning failure. I keep imagining what the next step will be. More testing? Referral to an RE? More drugs? IUI?

It scares me. It truly does.

I'm barely able to hold it together now as it is. What will I do if we have to move onto the next step? Will I be able to deal with it all?

Then I get angry again. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that it feels like no one else has to deal with this, even though I know that isn't the truth. I find myself searching Facebook friends that I have hidden; either because they are pregnant or have recently had a baby. And I torture myself by looking at their pictures. And I start to cry because I want that. I want that happiness. And I feel like everyone else has it but me.

It's a very selfish way to feel. Like I deserve this more than anyone. I remind myself that I am no more deserving than anyone else and I turn the anger towards myself for feeling this way.

Ultimately I end up sad again. Facing negative test after negative test. Expecting the same results again and again.

I've failed. I've failed me. My husband. My idea of this happy family, happy ever after.

It's hard to believe that everything you've ever dreamed about your future family...that things somehow cannot fall into place the way you expected. That you have to be this person that you never dreamed you'd become. Bitter, cynical, sad. I'm just so ready to move past all this and have what everyone else has.


  1. You haven't failed. Failing comes at an end of something. And you're not at the end. XOXO

  2. The next step is scary, but it could also be just what you need. I know what you mean about feeling like you can't handle it, but we are usually stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Look at all that you've gotten through so far. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down :( Big hugs.

  3. I am so sorry!! Unforgettably with TTC, unlike other grieving processes, we have to keep doing it over and over again. Each cycle or each new strategy or attempt brings new hope and life and then it doesn't work, you have to through the whole grieving process all over again and say goodbye to that particular dream. You had to do it with natural and now you might have to with Femara. I am just so sorry. I am truly hoping the Femara works though and you get that BFP. Just know you have not failed and i totally understand the whole wanting to give up and stop trying, but being too scared to. I know if even one cycle went by and I didn't do something at O time, I'd always wonder if it could have been "the one". Just hang in there and do something for yourself. You deserve it. Also, unlike pregnancy which has a time table, you are TTC for an undetermined amt of time and it does take after your life, so allow yourself to understand that is just plain sucks! But, please, do something for yourself. *hugs*

  4. Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that EVERYTHING that you are feeling is totally normal. Don't feel bad about those feelings. I felt exactly the same way and funnily enough, I still have some of those feelings. I am wondering if the jealousy of "normal" people will ever go away. Please, don't count yourself out yet! It did take me 3 cycles of Femara for it to work. You may still have a chance this cycle too, right? I am hoping that you do!! I am here for you if you ever need to vent, bitch, cry, whatever. I am on your side and will continue to cheer you on no matter what. Big hugs, my dear.

    1. Thanks for the comment. I'm only 9dpo today so it's still early. And my chart is looking great. The earliest I've ever gotten a BFP was 11/12 dpo and it was super faint.

  5. M, you are NOT a failure...not in any way or to anyone. I know it's hard not to feel that way sometimes, but please know you aren't failing yourself or your family. I've been thinking about you and know that it's getting close to finding out. I hope and pray this is it...your rainbow!! You are strong and brave even if some days you feel so far from it...the fact that you can't stop is are destined to be a mother...determination is a beautiful thing. Praying for you! Xoxox