I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately and it's really taking its toll today. It's a combination of being scared, jealous, angry, and sad. I'm scared that I'm going to have to continue on this journey for an unforseen amount of time, and I feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. My life has been consumed with trying to conceive. In some respects, I want to give it a break, but I know that I can't. I want this baby so bad. I can't possibly give up now.
I'm jealous, too. The funny part is, I really thought I was through this part of the grief process. I thought that I would go through each process, step by step, and voila! I'd be healed. But apparently grief doesn't work that way. A few months ago, I felt like I had come out of my depression. I felt like I was moving on from the losses. But as this journey has continued, I realize that the depression was only hiding and it's returned because I still haven't achieved what I've set out to achieve. I keep seeing what feels like everyone around me getting pregnant. Having babies. Being happy. And here I am still peeing on sticks, timing sex, and failing month after month.
DH has tried to be supportive. He keeps telling me that he thinks we are getting closer. And I really want to believe him. I want to believe that the Femara will get us our rainbow. It has gotten my cycles to be somewhat normal, despite the painful ovulation. But in my mind, I just keep envisioning failure. I keep imagining what the next step will be. More testing? Referral to an RE? More drugs? IUI?
It scares me. It truly does.
I'm barely able to hold it together now as it is. What will I do if we have to move onto the next step? Will I be able to deal with it all?
Then I get angry again. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that it feels like no one else has to deal with this, even though I know that isn't the truth. I find myself searching Facebook friends that I have hidden; either because they are pregnant or have recently had a baby. And I torture myself by looking at their pictures. And I start to cry because I want that. I want that happiness. And I feel like everyone else has it but me.
It's a very selfish way to feel. Like I deserve this more than anyone. I remind myself that I am no more deserving than anyone else and I turn the anger towards myself for feeling this way.
Ultimately I end up sad again. Facing negative test after negative test. Expecting the same results again and again.
I've failed. I've failed me. My husband. My idea of this happy family, happy ever after.
It's hard to believe that everything you've ever dreamed about your future family...that things somehow cannot fall into place the way you expected. That you have to be this person that you never dreamed you'd become. Bitter, cynical, sad. I'm just so ready to move past all this and have what everyone else has.