Good Thing

Good thing I'm almost out of pee sticks! I just love seeing the progression :)

The Waiting Game

I had my second beta drawn this morning and have to wait until tomorrow for results. It's going to be a very long wait...and I'm already freaking out and second-guessing everything. I'm hoping for any number over 300. I keep reminding myself that I am still having symptoms, so that has to be a good sign. Stretching feelings in uterus (off and on...sometimes nothing, which of course, freaks me out), sore boobs (sometimes more than others, which also freaks me out), peeing a LOT. At least every hour. And falling asleep around 8pm every night and sleeping until 6am (with 1-2 pee breaks, of course). I tested again last night and the line was significantly darker, even with dilutred urine. But I guess it's still not enough to calm my fears. I'm scared that even test results tomorrow won't help me relax.

Beta #1

...was yesterday at 15dpo. The receptionist wasn't going to tell me because the doctor hadn't seen them yet, but she went and got the nurse and a few minutes, the nurse got on to tell me the number.

158.

I'm totally happy with that based on average. Now the next two days are going to be torture waiting to see if the number doubles!

I'm still so excited, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, that I'm still shaking!

Digital Test Experiment

Since I still have digitals left, I figured might as well use them right?
And might as well tear them apart to obsess over the lines and see what they really do when hcg goes up.

Seems that the lines do get darker...which is so comforting to me.

I am supposed to get the results for my first beta back today and I'm so nervous. OB said they would call me, but I have a feeling I'm going to have to call them. Wonder if I should give them a chance to call and wait until the afternoon or call early? Ugh. I know the second number is more important than the first, but I feel like the first number will give me a pretty decent idea.

I will post as soon as I get the results!

4 Weeks

The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. I can go from happiness to worry at the drop of a hat! I don't think it helps that I am still peeing on leftover sticks. The only upside is that they are still progressing quite nicely!

Here is my progression from 9dpo to 13dpo:

And here is this morning's (14dpo) tests (digi appeared much faster than a couple days ago...about 40 seconds):

I'm kind of addict, aren't I? I keep saying I will stop testing after I have my betas next week!

In addition to all the testing, I'm using my Crinone (progesterone supposities), but I'm on my last sample tomorrow. I was supposed to get more samples at my appt on Friday, but I forgot, so now I have to call the nurse first thing Monday morning. In addition to that, the cash price for Crinone is $400 for 2 weeks...so $1,600 for me to get enough to last until 12 weeks, which is totally crazy! I'm waiting on a pre-authorization from my OB for my insurance to even say if they will cover it; which is stupid. My OB prescribed the Crinone, so why does he have to "authorize" it again?! Dr. T said if they don't cover it he will try and come up with an alternative. Anyone know of any?

The Crinone wasn't bad at first. It isn't exactly pleasant having chunks that look like cottage cheese trickling out every day, but that isn't the suckiest part. It causes cramping right after I put it in. The first couple days it wasn't bad. But last night, they started up right after I put it in and lasted about 10 minutes, then stopped completely. Then they woke me up again around 1am, lasted 10 minutes, then stopped again. Dr. T already told me that would happen and says it's normal. I've looked it up on Dr. google too and it seems it's just an irritant to the cervix, which can cause cramping as well as spotting. No spotting at all for me yet...hope it stays that way!

Other than that, my boobs are very sore (mostly on the sides and under my arms) and heavy-feeling, which is a new feeling for me. I've always been pretty small up top, so it's going to be weird when they start growing more. I also go back and forth between hunger and no appetite at all. Sometimes even though I know I need food but am not feeling it, I started eating anyway...and most of the time, this fuels the fire and I get hungrier. I've been eating 4-5 small-medium meals a day. I've picked up my water drinking as well, but still not as much as I should. I've always been bad about drinking water, but I know it's important, so I made DH buy me a Camelbak waterbottle :)

So now, I anxiously await my betas on Monday and Wednesday. Dr. T told me they'd call on Tuesday and Thursday, which I took as "I will need to call them." My experience last time was that I had to do the jumping through hoops! Either way, it's going to be a long week next week!

Testing Maniac

I had to nudge DH to let me buy the $18 5-pack of CB digitals! I told him it was for the baby :) Then when I got home, I got nervous. I knew I was pregnant, but I was just scared it would say "not pregnant" for some reason. So I started googling pictures with FRERs and digis to see how my line from this morning compared.

I was going to wait until tomorrow morning, but since there's 5 tests, I figured why not. I dipped a Wondfo first since I have a bajillion of those left. The line started appearing about a minute into it. So I decided to dip the digi, then hopped in the shower. I hopped out a couple times around 30 seconds and again after a minute. Then I got back in and started counting seconds! 30 more seconds later, I jumped out...and it said "Pregnant." Yay!

My OB appt tomorrow is at 3pm, so I'm excited to leave work around 2pm...go home, meet my mom, and hopefully get a beta done!

Can't Stop!

I guess it makes me feel better to see the line progressing :) This is the first pic I haven't tweaked!
I told DH that I still want to get a digital :)

Peeing on Stuff

I have tests left, and it really makes me feel good to see things darkening up...even though it's only been a day since the first faint positive.

The top is last night's (7pm), the middle is this morning (4am) and the bottom is this afternoon (2pm)

I was giddy after I saw it. I squealed so loud that the dogs were wondering what was going on! 

I have 1 FRER left which I will mostly use tomorrow. And I still want to buy a digital :)

As far as symptoms, I have kind of a constant, overall dull ache across my lower abdomen and a backache. I feel starving all the time (totally had this with my first pregnancy last summer), even after I've recently eaten. My boobs are very sore. And I have occasional waves of nausea. I feel really good about the symptoms so far. Also, with my chemical last November, the test lines on the Wondfo never got darker than the top test in this pic. And my symptoms weren't near as noticeable as they are right now. So, for now, I am hopeful!

Moving Along

I tested again this morning. Still light but still positive and pink! I need to be patient and realize it's still only 10dpo! I should be happy to have any line at all this early.

So far, it is all still sinking in. It doesn't feel real and I still don't believe it.

And by far, the hardest part, is posting my results for all the ladies on my discussion boards/groups. These are women that have supported me when I was sad, angry, jealous. Now I am posting my positive and I know, even behind the congrats, there is hurting. And I hate that I am a part of that. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in between...no longer TTC, but not pregnant enough to talk about much of anything except sheer excitement as well as panic.

Amidst all the anxiety, somewhere deep down there is a calm. I had a good feeling about this month and I really have a good feeling about the whole thing. I feel like this is truly our rainbow baby. I pray that I am right!

That being said, I don't plan to end the blog here. But, I do understand if there are those that choose to unfollow (even though I'd love for you all to stay). I know just how hard it is to watch someone experience what you so desire. I am by no means out of the woods, so the blog will continue to include my pregnancy fears as well as my feelings coming from past experiences; and new feelings and events going forward.

No Way!

So, I feel so stupid for plastering this all over each and every one of my groups...especially since it's still only 9dpo. But for real? I'm not blind, right?

What's Next?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately and it's really taking its toll today. It's a combination of being scared, jealous, angry, and sad. I'm scared that I'm going to have to continue on this journey for an unforseen amount of time, and I feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. My life has been consumed with trying to conceive. In some respects, I want to give it a break, but I know that I can't. I want this baby so bad. I can't possibly give up now.

I'm jealous, too. The funny part is, I really thought I was through this part of the grief process. I thought that I would go through each process, step by step, and voila! I'd be healed. But apparently grief doesn't work that way. A few months ago, I felt like I had come out of my depression. I felt like I was moving on from the losses. But as this journey has continued, I realize that the depression was only hiding and it's returned because I still haven't achieved what I've set out to achieve. I keep seeing what feels like everyone around me getting pregnant. Having babies. Being happy. And here I am still peeing on sticks, timing sex, and failing month after month.

DH has tried to be supportive. He keeps telling me that he thinks we are getting closer. And I really want to believe him. I want to believe that the Femara will get us our rainbow. It has gotten my cycles to be somewhat normal, despite the painful ovulation. But in my mind, I just keep envisioning failure. I keep imagining what the next step will be. More testing? Referral to an RE? More drugs? IUI?

It scares me. It truly does.

I'm barely able to hold it together now as it is. What will I do if we have to move onto the next step? Will I be able to deal with it all?

Then I get angry again. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that it feels like no one else has to deal with this, even though I know that isn't the truth. I find myself searching Facebook friends that I have hidden; either because they are pregnant or have recently had a baby. And I torture myself by looking at their pictures. And I start to cry because I want that. I want that happiness. And I feel like everyone else has it but me.

It's a very selfish way to feel. Like I deserve this more than anyone. I remind myself that I am no more deserving than anyone else and I turn the anger towards myself for feeling this way.

Ultimately I end up sad again. Facing negative test after negative test. Expecting the same results again and again.

I've failed. I've failed me. My husband. My idea of this happy family, happy ever after.

It's hard to believe that everything you've ever dreamed about your future family...that things somehow cannot fall into place the way you expected. That you have to be this person that you never dreamed you'd become. Bitter, cynical, sad. I'm just so ready to move past all this and have what everyone else has.

Bored at 5dpo

Nothing too exciting. Back in the TWW and at 5dpo. I'm actually surprised at how fast time has been going by now that my cycles are within the normal range!

Not really much to note. Just trying to stay relaxed and wait as long as possible to test!

Here's a link to my chart for all you stalkers out there ;)

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/381c6e

Femara Cycle 2 - Ovulation Achieved!

Since I got my :) on the digital opk yesterday morning...I didn't expect to ovulate until today. However, I'm 99% sure it happened last night. I started feeling bad around 5:00pm...had diarrhea, then shortly after that, the lower abdominal achiness began! My ovaries started to feel really, really heavy and large. It was just achiness at first but turned into pain pretty quickly. I didn't take any pain medication at first...I was hoping it would pass. And after last cycle's CD17 aches, I figured this CD17 would be the same. Wrong. I curled up into a ball and cried. My hot water bottle had a small leak in it, but I couldn't stand the pain, so I filled it and used a towel to cover the hole. I tried that for a while; but it didn't work. It got the point where I tried half a muscle relaxer and a Vicodin. By the time the muscle relaxer started to work, the pain had settled down. At this point, it was 10:00pm and I had been miserable for 5 hours. At the time, I still didn't realize that what I was feeling was actual ovulation. I thought it was just the follicles still growing. But I woke up this morning to a temp rise, so I'm certain it was ovulation. Only about 12 hours earlier this cycle than last.

I was in so much pain last night that I told DH I didn't know if I could keep doing this. But now, in the light of morning, I realize I don't have much choice. I will bring it up to my OB. Maybe the smaller dose of 2.5mg will work just fine or maybe I'll still feel the O pains. Or maybe I'll just get lucky and won't need to do another round!

As Suspected :)

I woke up this morning pretty much knowing it was going to be positive. This cycle is following last cycle to a T. Last night I was in intense pain. It felt like someone was stabbing my left ovary. I figure this is probably which side the dominant follicle(s) is on. So when I woke up this morning, I peed in a cup...dipped the stick...and took this pic before the ink was even all the way across.

Then did a digi even though I knew I'd get a :)

DH and I have been doing SMEP (which is a lot more relaxing than last cycle's every day plan)...so a couple more days and then the waiting will begin again.

I will more than likely O tomorrow on CD18, same as last cycle. Based on that HEDD is July 8, 2013 (5 days before my brother's wedding). Fingers crossed!

Waiting for O

I've been a bad blogger. Nothing new to report. CD14 and no + opk yet, but I didn't get one until CD17 last cycle, so I'm trying to be patient again. My ovaries are starting to ache and I'm feeling more bloated, so I know they are doing their job. DH and I are still doing SMEP and just trying to relax. I'm hopeful, but also preparing myself for another AF :(

Oh, last weekend DH bought me the ring I've been lusting over! A gorgeous Le Vian ring...Rhodolite Garnet gemstone, 16 white, round diamonds and 16 chocolate, round diamonds...all on 14k strawberry gold band. This ring:

http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamonds---gemstones/oval-garnet-ring--1-3-ct-tw-diamonds-14k-gold

I literally could not stop smiling once we left the store...and I nearly cried as we left the mall! I have to get it sized since it's a little big, but it fits enough that I can wear it for a while. I'm not ready to let it leave my sights for a few weeks at least :)

edit: I think my Armour meds (for my thyroid) are giving me headaches. I'm going to try to take them at night instead of the morning...if that doesn't work, I may try splitting the dose. 15 days until my next follow-up with my OB. Hopefully I can figure out how to take my Armour without my head feeling like it's going to explode...and maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant by then. Here's hoping!

Update

I had my followup with my OB this past Friday...and right when I went to give a urine sample so they could do a pregnancy test, I started spotting. AF picked up later that evening.

At the appt, I found out that DH's semen is good. Morpholoy was borderline low/average 6-8%, but OB said that wasn't anything to worry about. His counts were great, volume was fine and motility was Grade A, meaning he has fast swimmers and they swim in a straight line (this part made DH very happy)! So DH isn't the problem.

I told Dr. T that I O'ed on CD18, to which he said was kind of late according to the plan he had given me (sex cd12-16). I told him we just kept on having sex until I O'ed, but by then, I was tired. He said next month still take the Femara on CD5-9, but wait until the OPK is + until we start having sex for 5 days. Which worries me. I always ovulate the day after a + OPK...so wouldn't it be sort of late to wait for that? I'm thinking of trying SMEP and then doing it 3 days straight once I get the +. Thoughts?

I also asked about my bloodwork results from July that I had forgotten to ask about at the last appt. He said my TSH levels were a little high at 3.4 and was pretty sure I have Hashimoto's thryoiditis. Normal levels for when TTC are between 1-2. I had bloodwork redrawn and have to call in this morning for results and hopefully meds. I've started doing some research and got worried when I read that 3.4 might be the reason we've been having trouble TTC. Either way, I'm glad my OB is on top of and realizes that it is a concern!

CD4 today and need to get Femara filled so I can start it again tomorrow.