Ovaries, Is This Why You've Been Complaining?!

Came home from work today...had just peed an hour before, but once I got home I had a glob of EWCM...so I squeezed out the tiniest bit of pee, dipped the sticks and got THIS!

Wow, seriously?! Does this explain why I've been miserable the last 2 weeks? I'm not exactly sure what happens when you have annovulatory cycles, but I'm guessing this is why I've felt like utter crap the last few days. Hoping, praying, that I actually O this time...then maybe I can cancel my appt with my family doctor on Monday.

Ultrasounds, Bloodwork...PCOS?

So I got into my family doctor yesterday as I was sick of dealing with pelvic pain and no period since April...and I didn't want to wait another 3 weeks for my OB/GYN appointment. So my doctor listened to my concerns and got me in to have an ultrasound within an hour...and gave me a lab slip to have some bloodwork done to check hormone levels.

I left the doctor's office and went home to down a TON of water before heading over to the imaging center. I drank about 40 oz. and wanted to puke...but figured that'd be enough. Once I got there and got called back, she checked and said my bladder was only half full, so I had to go out to the waiting room, drink about 16 oz. more of water and wait 15 minutes. By the time they called me back again, I felt like I was going to burst.

It was a different woman that called me back the second time...an older woman. She seemed cold at first, but we began to talk a bit more once she started the ultrasound. She was asking me about my history and I began to tell her how my periods have always been irregular, how I got pregnant last year and miscarried both times.

Once the abdominal ultrasound was over, she informed that there were two parts to the test...an internal ultrasound. She asked me if I had ever had that before and I told her that I had (several times). She let me pee, thank God, then I had to disrobe from the waist down and sit awkwardly on the table with just a sheet over my legs.

I tried to peek a glance of the images from the abdominal u/s, but I had no idea what to look for. They just looked like snow on a TV screen to me.

Finally, she came back in and told me that she was going to let me insert Mr. Wand myself, which was new for me. All the other doctors and techs just jammed it in themselves (haha). It was a little weird at first, but kind of nice that she didn't have to look at my hoo-ha this way :)

Anyway, within a couple minutes of the interal u/s, she blurts out "have you ever been diagnosed with PCOS?" and then instantly says "I didn't say that...I DIDN'T say that!"

I nodded my head in agreement and then said that I had suspected I had PCOS for quite some time now.

She then goes on to mention that I'm not overweight (what has been thought to be a classic symptom of PCOS) but that she's seen plenty of women that are not and still have PCOS.

A few more minutes of being violated by Mr. Wand, and I was finally done.

She said it usually takes a couple days for results to get back to my doctor and if I don't hear back from her within a week, I should give her a call.

I also went this morning for bloodwork including: CBC, metabolic panel w/lipids, estradiol, FSH, LH and a couple other things I can't recall.

I'm hoping that at least since I'm getting this out of the way now, my appointment in 3 weeks with my OB will be a bit more productive! I also feel so relieved that I did this now...I know that I can get pregnant if I am ovulating...and if I have PCOS, there are meds I can take to counteract it and MAKE me ovulate. I'm excited that I am finally taking control of my issues and doing something about it!

***

Also, today marks exactly 1 year since I got my very first BFP! It's hard to believe that it's been that long...but I've come a long way, and I'm a MUCH stronger person than I ever realized.

I have so much more faith that God has a plan for me...and I feel like I'm finally on the road to getting my take home baby!

Cysts, Endo or Something Else

So I think I might be dealing with ovarian cysts. Over the last week or so, I've been having lower abdominal pain, with most of it focused near my right ovary. It's to the point where I'm getting nauseated from the aches. It hurts just sitting...and even more when I bend over to pick something up, cough, sneeze, or even when my bladder gets too full. I'm assuming it's a cyst (or cysts) and it's been interfering with my cycles. I haven't ovulated since March 16th and haven't had a true (red blood) period since April 1st.

There is also a possibility that it's endometriosis. I was diagnosed with that back in 2005 and had a laparoscopy done to laser most of it out. My OB took before and after pictures...and the before pics looked BLACK. The after pictures looked nice and shiny, and pink! My cycles were more regular for quite a while after the laparoscopy, but the last couple years they've gotten even more wonky.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to need to go in for another lap before I can start TTC again. If that's what I have to do, I will, but it will set us back at a couple months. I just want an answer for what I've been dealing with. And I'm frustrated that I have to wait 3 more weeks to find out.

I'm not sure I can deal with this on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure if I call my family doctor, it isn't going to speed up the process. Maybe I will trying calling my OB and see if I can get in any sooner!

I don't even know what to do anymore...I just want to be fixed and not be in pain all the time!

16dpo...or so I thought...

I have no idea what's going on now. According to my chart, I'm 16dpo, but no AF and all BFNs.

My temps are confusing...I don't even know what to input for my chart. I woke up at 6am and had a temp of 97.3, then woke up at 8am and had a temp of 98.1. I have been temping pretty regularly at 8am.

I also had brown spotting from 7dpo-10dpo. So I'm starting to think that maybe my brown spotting a week ago was an annovulatory "period."

But, I've also had AF-like cramps the past 3-4 days, which is usually what I experience before AF arrives. I woke up this morning thinking "yep, she's on her way," then nothing.

I don't even know my body anymore. This is so frustrating. You think that by temping, charting, and using OPKs, that I would have a good picture of where I'm at in my cycle. Everything is just so messed up. I haven't had an actual red blood period since April 1st! This is seriously insane and NOT normal.

I know I should just be patient and wait for my appointment July 19th, but I'm just getting so annoyed. I can't even attempt to TTC when my body is like this. On top of all that, I'm 2 days away from when I got my very first BFP last year, and I'm struggling more than ever. I should be holding a 4 month old right now. Or at the very least be VERY pregnant. Instead I have two miscarriages behind me, and a body that won't even attempt to cooperate anymore.

I'm just so damn tired. Physically. Emotionally. Just sick of all of it.Women around me everywhere getting pregnant, having babies. Except me.
And it doesn't matter how many people say "your time is coming" or "it will happen when it's meant to happen." I hate that. My time did come and it was all taken away from me. I'm so sick of hearing all that BS.

But deep down, I know they are right. I just don't want to hear it.

I know God has a plan, and I just need to trust in His wisdom. But why...why does it have to be so hard?!

13dpo

BFN. Fail.

11dpo BFN

I really hate the TWW! I always feel so in control the first week. I keep thinking 'oh, I'm so calm...no big deal. Next week is going to be a piece of cake.' Then I get to 8dpo and it all goes to hell. I start peeing on sticks before I would even get a positive.  I've even peed on OPKs during the TWW just to see what a second line looks like!

Now, here I am, on 11dpo...freaking out that this month is over and I should move on. I had a negative on 9dpo, then 10dpo, and now today. I had spotting from 7-10dpo...and I have no idea why. Usually cramps start picking up leading right into AF on 15dpo. I had some of those last night, but today they have been replaced with bloating and a feeling that I'm hungry even though I just ate.

 I don't want to read too much into it, but how can I not? The last two times I've been pregnant, feeling super hungry was a big sign for me. But after seeing nothing but stark white negatives, I am forcing myself to dismiss the symptoms as nothing but PMS and my mind playing tricks on me.

I decided this morning that I was happy with moving on. I realize that I can't do this on my own. I clearly need help regulating my cycles. And now that I have an OB that I love and awesome health insurance, it feels like the right path. I'm ready to take this weight off my shoulders. In the back of my mind, I am scared that even with drugs, I won't be able to get pregnant again, but I know in my heart that it will happen for us. I just need to be patient, which for me is the hardest thing in the world to do.

I say now that I won't test again tomorrow or the next day, but I know better. I'm not really out until the witch shows her ugly face!

Pottery Barn Addict

I've recently realized that I am getting old...and apparently addicted to Pottery Barn.

OK...so maybe 29, almost 30, isn't that old. But as I've grown up, I've realized that my tastes have changed. When I was younger, I could never understand why adults could get excited to buy furniture, or a new area rug, or a shower curtain. I always felt that money was better spent on new clothes and a nice car. You know, the fun stuff!

But, then DH and I bought our first house, and I got caught up in buying stuff to make it feel like home, to showcase my style...and to make others feel welcome when they came over. At the time, we didn't have a lot to spend, but I'd pick up some pieces here and there. I became obsessed with what my next purchase would be for the house. My wardrobe was lacking, and my car was a just a point A to point B vehicle, but I was happy that my money was going towards my house.

It was around that time that I told my mom "I can tell I'm getting old when I get excited to buy new curtains."

That was a few years ago. Since then, DH and I have since moved and purchased a new home. Nicer than our last...and with much greater potential.

I soon began to delve into Pottery Barn catalogs for hours at a time. The first time through, I'd just glance at all the pretty pictures...and imagine what it'd be like to live in that picture. Then I'd start back at the beginning again, circling items that I liked, imaging that I'd actually be able to afford them all. And many times, I'd start at the beginning AGAIN, this time star-ing items that I REALLY liked and might potentially purchase in the near future.

You think this is bad...I'd then spend hours, days, even weeks, obsessing over these items on the PB website, adding and removing things from my cart. Trying to decide if I really NEEDED this stuff and if it would really look the same in my house as it did in the photos.

I recently ran across this article about Pottery Barn and couldn't believe just how much I could relate to it.

Despite the fact that I really don't need ANY of the stuff PB offers, I just can't help myself sometimes. I just want to add some touches that make my me want to come home after a long day at work...and snuggle in to a soft blanket and a pile of pillows!

On that note, I just bought these pillow covers and blanket, all for somewhat crazy prices, but I LOOOOVE  them. They add interest and coziness to my couch that wasn't there before. I think this may be the beginning of a pillow obsession :)

Spiral Shell Embroidered Pillow

Jewel Starfish Pillow (I also bought the matching shell pillow)

Textured Linen Pillow Cover (I bought this one at the Outlet)

Grand Chenille Throw (I bought this one at the Outlet for $55)

Grand Chenille Throw (I bought the ivory one...softest throw EVER!)

This is an item I love and want, but $600, really? DH would kill me!

Shell Mirror

And I've also recently found a couple things I want to update my bathroom...not from Pottery Barn, but from Anthropologie (which is a whole 'nother post in itself!):

Sculpted Mums Shower Curtain

Favored Treatment Bathmat

Favored Treatment Bathmat (shown in room)

I could go on and on posting pics of things that I want...feel free to follow me on pinterest

I'm always looking for new ideas and for new things to buy :)

7dpo Spotting & Cramping

I woke up this morning, peed, wiped and saw a small pink spot. Didn't think a whole lot about it...so went out shopping with DH. Next time I went to the potty, I noticed some brown spotting, which took me by surprise. I never spot, not even before AF. Then I had cramping just like AF was coming, which confused the heck out of me. I always have a 14 day luteal phase and start AF on 15dpo (usually in the morning, full on), which is still 8 days away.

Needless to say, I'm confused. I want to believe it's related to implantation, but I'm scared to death to get my hopes up.

Anyone else have this? Did it result in BFP or BFN?

3DPO, Wedding Fun & Stupid Debt

3DPO today.

Unless I change to my settings  to advanced on Fertility Friend, then I'm 4dpo. But, I highly doubt I O'ed the same day as my smiley opk. I generally have a good idea how my body feels when I O, and I pretty much always O the day after my +opk.

So I changed the ovulation detection method to OPK and it marked it for Saturday. Which makes sense since I had strong O pains that evening as DH and I were leaving a wedding reception.

My temps have been 98 degrees for the last 3 days, so I'm positive that I actually O'ed. I am also bloated, gassy, hungry and my boobs have been hurting off and on - but strangely it's only one boob at a time and underneath near my armpit - weird.

So AF is due June 24th. If she stays away, my EDD is March 2, 2013...within 4 days of the month/day George was due: February 26, 2012.

I'm not totally optimistic. Just going to wait it out and see what happens. It's still early...so I'm reminding myself not to read stuff into my symptoms and just go with the flow. If this cycle doesn't pan out, I still have my appointment next month with my OB. I feel like I finally have a plan and things are setting up nicely. Health insurance is in place...I have my favorite OB...and financially DH and I are in a much better place than we were last year!

I'm going to try and hold out to do any testing until next Thursday, June 21st when I'll be 12dpo!

***

DH and I attented a wedding reception this past Saturday evening. It was a bit more formal than we are used to, but very nice. We were sat at the random table with people that weren't family, just friends/acquaintances. We chatted with a nice couple until finally the food was served! Roast beef, chicken, pasta with alfredo sauce, mashed potatoes, green beans and bread. And the cake was delicious! They had both white and chocolate pieces, layered with a really smooth icing that tasted sweet but had an almost tangy, pineapple taste. DH hated it, so I polished off his piece as well.

They also had a candy table with little to-go baggies with their initials on them. DH loved this as he is a candy fiend! We picked up mostly Twizzers, gummy worms and sixlets...yum!

After dinner, and the traditional dances, they asked the guests to join them on the dance floor for a slow song. DH and I decided to dance. It was nice! I think the last time we slow danced with each other was at our own wedding, nearly 9 years ago. I don't even recall what song was playing...I just remember that it felt nice to be close to one another!

Upon leaving the reception and getting back into the car to go home, I started having strong cramping pains...what I believe to be O pains. They didn't last long and faded to a dull ache...

I was just so happy to be finally ovulating after nearly 3 months of nothing!

***

I've also been thinking about our finances lately. We aren't doing too bad considering all the things that have happened the last 3 years.

In 2009, we both lost our jobs within a month of one another. $25k in the bank wasn't enough to save us. We blew through that money quickly trying to save our house and cars and put food on the table.

We spent the next 2 years losing our house and a car, and racking up medical debt. It's a wonder we eventually came out the other side.

But, we have no savings/emergency fund. We still have $5k in medical debt. And around $10k in credit card debt (which resulted from putting medical debt on the credit card, car repairs, and installing a fence in our new hours for our dogs...and ok, maybe a few video games, movies and other electronics). I can't say it's all from 3 years of suckiness, but a lot of it is.

We aren't worried about the savings account...it didn't save us before, and should we both lose our jobs at the same time again, it won't save us. As long as one of us is employed, we will make it.

We aren't even worried about the medical debt. It can wait. We can make super small payments and pay for it forever. It sucks, but it is what it is.

We want to get rid of the $10k in credit cards asap. We have a lot of discretionary income every month that we can use to pay it off. We could probably pay it off in about 10 months. So I want to start chipping away at it now. If we are going to get pregnant soon (I hope), I want to have that debt gone by the time the baby arrives. I want to have that extra money every month for baby expenses and so we can buy baby whatever we want.

I need to keep that idea in mind every time I want to buy something...

Well, Hello There!

CD32 and finally!

I had EWCM while at work this afternoon, so I came home and took a cheapie OPK. It looked a tiny bit darker than all my other tests, but since I had the EWCM, I decided to run to the store and grab some digis. And good thing I did. Hope my body O's this time. I feel like it's going to...I'm feeling some pressure in my lower, right abdomen.

The weird part is, this is the same weekend last year that we conceived George. So, if we conceive again this weekend, the baby would be due within a week of the date when George would've been due.

Not sure if that's a sign or not...but, fingers crossed!

Questions for OB/GYN

Since I have 6 long weeks to wait before my appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss my (sometimes) lack of ovulation and come up with a solution so that I can get pregnant, I've started making a list of all my questions.

I'm sure I'm forgetting some things, so for those of you that have been through this, please feel free to chime in with things I should ask!

Here's my list so far:

• What is your experience dealing with women who have issues with ovulation and what is your usual protocol?
• Do you perform any blood work to determine underlying issues related to my cycles and hormone levels?
• I'm concerned that I may have PCOS. What is your process for determining if I have this and how will it affect my chances of getting pregnant again? Can you tell me anything about Metformin and its uses in relation to PCOS?
• Would you prescribe Metformin or Clomid? What is the difference?
• What is your usual starting dose for Clomid (50mg?) or Metformin (500mg 1x/day starting?) and what days would I take it (CD3-7 for Clomid? Everyday for Metformin?)
• Do you monitor my cycles with ultrasounds? If so, what cycle days?
• How many cycles to try Clomid or Metformin before trying something else? Do you up the dosage if the smallest dose doesn't make me ovulate?
• Does taking Clomid or Metformin increase the chances of conceiving multiples? If so, by how much?
• What about uterine lining thickness...is this a concern while taking medication? If so, is it monitored?
• Do you perform blood work during cycles as well? If so, what days?
• Do you check progesterone levels post-ovulation?
• Is an HSG needed? What about a SA? Do you perform these or do I need to be referred to an RE for these types of tests?
• Since I have endometriosis, does this in any affect my chances to become pregnant again? Especially since I did get pregnant twice last year. Is there any concern of it affecting my chances in the short-term?
• Is there any benefit of having another laparoscopy to remove any endometriosis?

Finally...I Can Choose My Specialist!

I had my appointment this morning with my PCP. I knew it was going to be rather uneventful and mostly was just for discussing my issues and getting a referral. However, the days leading up to it, I was moody and irritable and was crying at least a couple times a day.

It finally hit me that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. It scared me. I knew it was the start of what could be a very long journey. And I also knew it might not be easy to get into the Ob/Gyn that I went to in the past (due to insurance reasons).

In 2005, I was referred to Dr. T from my old PCP because I was having irregular and painful periods. After a couple appointments with Dr. T, it was decided that I needed a laparoscopy to see if I had endometriosis. As suspected, I did...and a lot of it. He was able to laser out a lot of it, and for a couple years after that, my periods were a bit more normal.

Over time, they continued to be erratic however, and still quite painful. I learned to do with it, and since I wasn't trying to conceive it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I'll be the first to say that I actually enjoyed not having a period every month.

But when I got pregnant last year, I instantly thought of going to Dr. T. I couldn't imagine going to a different doctor. I didn't have insurance at the time and his office didn't take cash paying patients, so I had to look for a new doctor. I took the suggestions of an acquaintance and went to her Ob/Gyn. This later turned out to be a bad idea. Don't get me wrong...he was a good doctor and had been in practice for decades, but once it was determined I was going to miscarry, his demeanor changed. He was all about the facts and was very cold.

Upon the consultation following my ER visit where I had bled a lot, I took my step-mom with me for support. He went back to being very cold...and I mean, didn't even put on a front like he gave a crap. My step-mom (having been a nurse and now on the Indiana State Board of Nursing) began to grill him with questions about needing a D&C. He kept stating that it wasn't necessary...and she had been consulting with her board members and other nurses and they told her I would need one to avoid infection and other complications. At this point, it was a heated argument and I was balling my eyes out. She was really an advocate for me when I needed one most. I couldn't even begin to express my emotions to this seemingly heartless man. Eventually he began yelling at her asking why she wasn't letting me talk. I didn't even want to talk to him anymore...I just wanted to run away!

In the end, yes, I did need a D&C, despite his claims that it was not necessary. It was then that I knew there was no way in HELL I'd go back to that a-hole.

I was so mad at the time. Just because I didn't have insurance, meant that I couldn't go to the doctor I knew and loved (Dr. T). But friends of mine that had Medicaid could into whoever they wanted. It didn't seem fair.

Fast forward to now...I have insurance...and it's still a pain to try to get into him. My PCP wants me to be able to go to whoever I want, but it's up to insurance if they will *approve* the referral. My PCP stepped out of the office to make a call (I presume to insurance)...the nurse comes back in to tell me it looks like I can go to Dr. T!

I instantly felt at ease! I'm still nervous that insurance will find a way to say no...but I'm hoping, praying, that doesn't happen. They are supposed to set up the appt. for me and call me back, hopefully today. If not, you can bet I will be calling them tomorrow!

DH is still upset that PCP can't do anything. I told him that's how it works...I have to be referred to a specialist. I told him that he needs to relax and that we've made the first step!

**edit: my doctor's office called - appointment is July 19th at 10:30am. Long wait :( They said they couldn't get me in any sooner because he is on vacation. I'm on a cancellation list in case someone cancels. It's going to be a long 6 weeks!**

100 Thought Provoking Q & A's

Because I'm bored at work...and tired of wallowing in my own sorrows, a thought-provoking survey:

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
   Honestly I can't remember...
   
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
   I try not to compare myself to anyone but me. Otherwise I end up questioning why I'm not as good at something as someone else.
   
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
   5 minutes after arriving at work: "I'm not feeling it...can we leave now?" :)
   
4. What gets you excited about life?
   It's the little things...Friday afternoon right before 5:00 when I've got the whole weekend ahead of me. Petting my dogs. Hugging those that I love. Looking forward to vacations!
   
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
   Not to take anything for granted. I think everyone does it...but being pregnant and complaining about being hungry and a backache...I wish I could take it back and just enjoy the moment.
   
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
   Trying to conceive...now I feel like I'm so far behind. 30 is creeping up on me...
   
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
   I definitely settle. I'm the kind of person that just goes with the flow and doesn't question things...even when I should at times.
   
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
   My husband, my family, my dogs. And I'm telling them I love them.
   
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
   Having been through miscarriages, I believe it should be talked about more. I had no idea what to expect until I was in the moment. I wish I had been better educated about it and known just how common it really is. Those that haven't been through it would probably prefer no one ever talked about it...ever.
   
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
    I have always been grateful for who and what I have in my life, but even more so now. I don't take even one second for granted.
    
11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
    It's most definitely not a weakness. It's being honest with yourself and expressing how you feel.
    
12. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    Probably a lot of things. I worry too much about how others perceive me.
    
13. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
    Absolutely!
    
14. What is the difference between living and existing?
    I go back and forth between the two. I think most people do. Living means really appreciating the people in your life and the time that you have. However, sometimes that gets lost in the routines of everyday life.
    
15. If not now, then when?
    Huh?
    
16. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
    Lots of things!
    
17. What does your joy look like today?
    Better than yesterday...does that count?
    
18. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
    Sure!
    
19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
    Wow, good question. I definitely have low self-esteem...and am not always nice to myself.
    
20. Which activities make you lose track of time?
    Browsing the Internet - but this only seems to work when I'm not at work.
    
21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
    I'm not really a very good teacher, but if I had to pick, I guess it'd be art-related.
    
22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
    Having a baby...
    
23. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
    Loads of grief from my miscarriages...that will probably never go away...but I do need to let go of the fact that I can't change the past.
    
24. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
    Family <3
    
25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?
    All depends on the situation...
    
26. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
    Age is just a state of mind...
    
27. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Yes!
    
28. What makes you smile?
    Family and friends, cookies, funny TV shows
    
29. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
    More than likely, I will have done more!
    
30. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
    The things you want to do...don't put them off for tomorrow. You never know when today is the last day.
    
31. If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
    I would've had children a looooong time ago!
    
32. What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?
    The ability to express compassion towards one another!
    
    
33. If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
    The Diary of Anne Frank...such a compelling read!
    
34. Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work I enjoy doing. I get bored without a job to put my energy into!
    
35. What is important enough to go to war over?
    Nothing.
    
36. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
    Never trying!
    
37. When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing?
    Not long ago actually. I was having mini asthma attacks.
    
38. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    I think before I speak!
    
39. What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you?
    To ME...having a roof over my head, food in my belly and money to pay the bills. Oh yeah...and love :)
    
40. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    Joyful simpleton!
    
41. If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give?
    Don't take ANYTHING for granted and enjoy every moment you have :)
    
42. What is the most desirable trait another person can possess?
    Listening!
    
43. What are you most grateful for?
    Life.
    
44. Is stealing to feed a starving child wrong?
    Yes, but for all the right reasons :)
    
45. What do you want most?
    A loooong, happy life.
    
46. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Doing things right.
    
47. What has life taught you recently?
    It's full of unexpected twists and turns.
    
48. What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
    Less fighting about stupid crap.
    
49. Where do you find inspiration?
    My mind :)
    
50. Can you describe your life in a six word sentence?
    I'm breathing, happy, and enjoying life.
    
51. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    Good question. I should remind myself of this more often.
    
52. What impact do you want to leave on the world?
    No impact really. Just trying to life my own life...and not care about what others think.
    
53. What is the most defining moment of your life thus far?
    Realizing I am much stronger than I thought I was. That was sometime at the end of last summer.
    
54. In the haste of your daily life, what are you not seeing?
    The big picture.
    
55. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
    Because we're stupid! ;) And sometimes you have to do things you don't like in order to do things you do like. And sometimes it's easy to get caught up in things like work, because it has to be done to pay the bills.
    
56. What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
    I think I talked about this earlier...Friday nights, long weekends, cookies, a good tv show, a warm hug
    
57. Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?
    Many times. Not hugging someone one last time...or not sharing true feelings because you're afraid.
    
58. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    Losing those I love...definitely one of my greatest fears. Unfortunately it's a fact of life...so it's come true many times.
    
59. Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
    Because it's only then that we realize what we lost. Sad that it always has to be that way.
    
60. What is your most beloved childhood memory?
    I have so many...with my mom, it'd have to be us watching TV together in the evenings, cuddled up on the couch together. With my dad, Wednesday evenings going to his house, making caramel corn and watching Unsolved Mysteries. With my step-dad, definitely playing football in the backyard (and garage, hahaha).
    
61. Is it more important to love or be loved?
    Love.
    
62. If it all came back around to you, would it help you or hurt you?
    If what all came back? lol
    
63. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing would you do it?
    No. I don't regret anything I've done in my life...it's gotten me to where I am today.
    
64. If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
    Honestly, I have no idea...I don't even want to contemplate that topic.
    
65. What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
    Falling in love is the initial interest in a person...being in love is the state you in constantly afterwards :)
    
66. Who do you think stands between you and happiness?
    Myself and my fears.
    
67. What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
    Hmmm...
    
68. What is the simplest truth you can express in words?
    I love you. There are no more words needed to express what that means.
    
69. What gives your life meaning?
    The people in it.
    
70. Can there be happiness without sadness?  Pleasure without pain?  Peace without war?
    Yes.
    
71. What’s the one thing you’d like others to remember about you at the end of your life?
    That I was a kind, caring person.
    
72. Is there such a thing as perfect?
    No.
    
73. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
    I'd like to think I have some control, but ultimately I am on God's plan.
    
74. What does it mean to be human?
    To breath, to be compassionate, but ultimately to be immortal.
    
75. If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
    I try to find the good in everyone!
    
76. What do you love most about yourself?
    My creative talents.
    
77. Where would you most like to go and why?
    Disney World with my husband. We went there for our honeymoon and I'd love to go back...just him and I!
    
78. Is it more important to do what you love or to love what you are doing?
    Do what you love.
    
79. What do you imagine yourself doing ten years from now?
    Same job, same marriage, hopefully kids.
    
80. What small act of kindness were you once shown that you will never forget?
    My step-mom and dad driving from out of state to be with me while I miscarried. No questions asked...they just showed up!
    
81. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    I talked about this earlier! Refer to #66.
    
82. Do you own your things or do your things own you?
    I own things, but at times it does feel like I'm a slave to work only so I can buy more stuff.
    
83. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?
    Wow, that's a tough one. I suppose lose old memories.
    
84. How do you deal with someone in a position of power who wants you to fail?
    Cry. Sadly, yes, that's my answer. I can't deal with people who dislike me so.
    
85. What do you have that you cannot live without?
    Family, friends and pets.
    
86. When you close your eyes what do you see?
    My eyelids.
    
87. What sustains you on a daily basis?
    Caffeine!
    
88. What are your top five personal values?
89. Why must you love someone enough to let them go?
    Only if they aren't happy. Otherwise hold onto them with all your might!
    
90. Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
    On the road...hell yeah. I'm a lead foot!
    
91. What personal prisons have you built out of fears?
92. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?
    Run a marathon. I've done three half marathons. :)
    
93. Why are you, you?
    Because I want to be :)
    
94. If you haven’t achieved it yet what do you have to lose?
95. What three words would you use to describe the last three months of your life?
    Busy. Stressful. Frustrating.
    
96. Is it ever right to do the wrong thing?  Is it ever wrong to do the right thing?
    Sometimes to both - depends on the situation.
    
97. How would you describe ‘freedom’ in your own words?
    The ability to live your life the way you want to...with no person or thing to hold you back.
    
98. What is the most important thing you could do right now in your personal life?
    Learn to appreciate myself more!
    
99. What is your number one goal for the next six months?
    Get pregnant...again. But keep it!
    
100. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else?
     Yes!