Still Standing

I've started reading articles on Still Standing - a new website that compiles articles about miscarriage and infertility, and it's been making me think about my miscarriages from last year. I just recently read an article about journaling as a way to find comfort in expressing your emotions. It mentioned a few things to write about...and it occurred to me that I have never written a letter to the babies I lost. I thought this might be a nice thing to do (and I still might someday) but in terms of looking towards the future, I think it'd be better to write a letter to my future baby...the baby I WILL hold in my arms one day. I truly believe that it will happen for us...

***

You haven't even been conceived yet, but I know that you will someday. I'm already excited just thinking about the moment I find out about you. I love you now...just thinking about your existence.

I can't wait to see those two pink lines and realize that I am pregnant with you. That each and every moment, you are being created...and are one step closer to being in my arms.

I can't wait to fall asleep with my hand on my tummy just knowing that you are in there. Even though too tiny to see...no bigger than a grain of sand...you are the life that we created together.

I won't care that I'm starving all the time. I won't mind feeling nauseated. And I'll try not to complain about my back aching. Because I know it's all for you...and it'll all be worth it in the end.

Your life is the most precious gift that God can give...and I will treasure each and every moment of it until I can bring you into this world.

I can't wait to hold you. To pinch your cheeks. And hold your tiny hands. 

Everything I have been through to get to that moment...I know it will be worth it. All the hurt...and anger...and pain. I'm forever changed by my previous miscarriages. A piece of my heart will always be missing. But because of that, I know that I am meant to have you...

It's all a part of God's plan. While on this earth, I may not ever understand why the events of my life had to happen the way they did...that's just the way it is. God knows best. He has everything planned out, including you.

I know you will come into our lives and bless them in a way that I can't quite grasp just yet.
But I know it will be wonderful. And full of love. 

I just can't tell you how excited I am for you to arrive.

Until then, I love you.

***