Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Drifting Apart

CD15 today and I haven't O'ed since March 16th. Last cycle was annovulatory and I'm not feeling good about this cycle either.

I've been putting off going to the doctor. I keep telling myself that I got pregnant twice last year and that I could do it again this year without any other intervention. I keep thinking that my body will straighten itself out and do what it's supposed to do. But I've been in denial.

I'm getting frustrated and it's time I accept that I might need a little help. I am confident in the fact that if I could just get my body to cooperate and O, that I can get pregnant fairly easily. At least that's what I'm telling myself for now.

So, I'm giving this cycle a chance, but if I don't O again, I'm making an appointment with my family doctor so that she can refer me to someone that can help.

It's time I take a stand and DO something, not just sit around and wait for something to happen.


On top of all that stress, the Mr. and I took a trip up north this past weekend, which was supposed to be a relaxing, fun getaway. Don't get me wrong, the time I spent with DH was wonderful, but other parts of it were somewhat lack luster.

Let me back-up a little...

My step-dad, D, lives about 4 hours away. He owns a B&B and also a condo on the lake. He technically isn't my step-dad anymore, since him and my mom got divorced over 10 years ago now, but he has been like a dad to me since I was 3 or 4 years old. My real dad has always been there for me, but also lives a state away, so my step-dad ultimately raised me.

Anyway, since D moved about 3 years ago to pursue his dream of owning and running and B&B, I have only seen him once and talked to him occasionally on the phone. The purpose of the trip was to visit him. In order to do that, the timing was somewhat limited due to the fact that he's always working on something or he always has people checking in or out. Regardless, I figured he'd carve some time out to spend with me.

DH and I went Saturday afternoon, but we had to visit with him while he worked, which was sort of disappointing. I said we'd visit Sunday, but then we didn't end up going because I figured our time together would be limited again, and so that upset me.

We left to go home Sunday evening because DH was sick (allergy/sinus issues) and I had felt cheated because I didn't get to see D much. This resulted in me crying halfway home.

I came to the realization that I can't just stop by his house every week to chat...which is what I used to do. He used to work long hours for a large corporation, but I knew that he was close to home and stopping by was such an easy thing to do. Now that he's far away, I can't do that. He has so little time to spare, that I sometimes feel like I am low priority on his list.

I know he doesn't feel this way...and has told me and my brother many times that we are like his own children. In fact, he has no biological children, so I know he truly feels this way.

I really want to try to make more of an effort to stay in touch, and I know he does as well. I just feel like ultimately he is slipping out of my life, and I hate that feeling of being out of control.

It's just difficult sometimes to accept that you have drifted away from someone, despite your best efforts.


I did manage to take lots of pics while on the mini vacation...and will post them in a later post once I can go through them and upload them :)


  1. i am so sorry that you weren't able to spend any quality time with your stepfather. it breaks my heart that you cried halfway home. it is sad when you feel space coming between someone you love so deeply. i've been praying for you each and every day, m. and i hope that things work out and he expresses his feelings to you. my bet is, he truly loves you and misses you so much, bc you are an amazing woman and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

    i really hope that your ovulation works out for this cycle. it is so trying when you know you can get pregnant. it's like a trick, a mean and cruel trick to know what your body is capable of, has done before, more than once...and then to be left begging for it again.

    thinking of you and thankful for all your love and support.
    big hugs right back to you <3

    ps-i can't wait to see all your photos :)

    1. I just wanted to follow-up to this and say that since that trip, we both realized that that weekend was a missed opportunity for us to spend quality time together. He had carved out time on Sunday to visit with me more, but hadn't communicated that to me. Anyway, we talk on the phone more often now and that helps us keep in touch :)