No Way!

So, I feel so stupid for plastering this all over each and every one of my groups...especially since it's still only 9dpo. But for real? I'm not blind, right?

What's Next?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately and it's really taking its toll today. It's a combination of being scared, jealous, angry, and sad. I'm scared that I'm going to have to continue on this journey for an unforseen amount of time, and I feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. My life has been consumed with trying to conceive. In some respects, I want to give it a break, but I know that I can't. I want this baby so bad. I can't possibly give up now.

I'm jealous, too. The funny part is, I really thought I was through this part of the grief process. I thought that I would go through each process, step by step, and voila! I'd be healed. But apparently grief doesn't work that way. A few months ago, I felt like I had come out of my depression. I felt like I was moving on from the losses. But as this journey has continued, I realize that the depression was only hiding and it's returned because I still haven't achieved what I've set out to achieve. I keep seeing what feels like everyone around me getting pregnant. Having babies. Being happy. And here I am still peeing on sticks, timing sex, and failing month after month.

DH has tried to be supportive. He keeps telling me that he thinks we are getting closer. And I really want to believe him. I want to believe that the Femara will get us our rainbow. It has gotten my cycles to be somewhat normal, despite the painful ovulation. But in my mind, I just keep envisioning failure. I keep imagining what the next step will be. More testing? Referral to an RE? More drugs? IUI?

It scares me. It truly does.

I'm barely able to hold it together now as it is. What will I do if we have to move onto the next step? Will I be able to deal with it all?

Then I get angry again. Angry that I have to go through this. Angry that it feels like no one else has to deal with this, even though I know that isn't the truth. I find myself searching Facebook friends that I have hidden; either because they are pregnant or have recently had a baby. And I torture myself by looking at their pictures. And I start to cry because I want that. I want that happiness. And I feel like everyone else has it but me.

It's a very selfish way to feel. Like I deserve this more than anyone. I remind myself that I am no more deserving than anyone else and I turn the anger towards myself for feeling this way.

Ultimately I end up sad again. Facing negative test after negative test. Expecting the same results again and again.

I've failed. I've failed me. My husband. My idea of this happy family, happy ever after.

It's hard to believe that everything you've ever dreamed about your future family...that things somehow cannot fall into place the way you expected. That you have to be this person that you never dreamed you'd become. Bitter, cynical, sad. I'm just so ready to move past all this and have what everyone else has.

Bored at 5dpo

Nothing too exciting. Back in the TWW and at 5dpo. I'm actually surprised at how fast time has been going by now that my cycles are within the normal range!

Not really much to note. Just trying to stay relaxed and wait as long as possible to test!

Here's a link to my chart for all you stalkers out there ;)

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/381c6e

Femara Cycle 2 - Ovulation Achieved!

Since I got my :) on the digital opk yesterday morning...I didn't expect to ovulate until today. However, I'm 99% sure it happened last night. I started feeling bad around 5:00pm...had diarrhea, then shortly after that, the lower abdominal achiness began! My ovaries started to feel really, really heavy and large. It was just achiness at first but turned into pain pretty quickly. I didn't take any pain medication at first...I was hoping it would pass. And after last cycle's CD17 aches, I figured this CD17 would be the same. Wrong. I curled up into a ball and cried. My hot water bottle had a small leak in it, but I couldn't stand the pain, so I filled it and used a towel to cover the hole. I tried that for a while; but it didn't work. It got the point where I tried half a muscle relaxer and a Vicodin. By the time the muscle relaxer started to work, the pain had settled down. At this point, it was 10:00pm and I had been miserable for 5 hours. At the time, I still didn't realize that what I was feeling was actual ovulation. I thought it was just the follicles still growing. But I woke up this morning to a temp rise, so I'm certain it was ovulation. Only about 12 hours earlier this cycle than last.

I was in so much pain last night that I told DH I didn't know if I could keep doing this. But now, in the light of morning, I realize I don't have much choice. I will bring it up to my OB. Maybe the smaller dose of 2.5mg will work just fine or maybe I'll still feel the O pains. Or maybe I'll just get lucky and won't need to do another round!

As Suspected :)

I woke up this morning pretty much knowing it was going to be positive. This cycle is following last cycle to a T. Last night I was in intense pain. It felt like someone was stabbing my left ovary. I figure this is probably which side the dominant follicle(s) is on. So when I woke up this morning, I peed in a cup...dipped the stick...and took this pic before the ink was even all the way across.

Then did a digi even though I knew I'd get a :)

DH and I have been doing SMEP (which is a lot more relaxing than last cycle's every day plan)...so a couple more days and then the waiting will begin again.

I will more than likely O tomorrow on CD18, same as last cycle. Based on that HEDD is July 8, 2013 (5 days before my brother's wedding). Fingers crossed!

Waiting for O

I've been a bad blogger. Nothing new to report. CD14 and no + opk yet, but I didn't get one until CD17 last cycle, so I'm trying to be patient again. My ovaries are starting to ache and I'm feeling more bloated, so I know they are doing their job. DH and I are still doing SMEP and just trying to relax. I'm hopeful, but also preparing myself for another AF :(

Oh, last weekend DH bought me the ring I've been lusting over! A gorgeous Le Vian ring...Rhodolite Garnet gemstone, 16 white, round diamonds and 16 chocolate, round diamonds...all on 14k strawberry gold band. This ring:

http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamonds---gemstones/oval-garnet-ring--1-3-ct-tw-diamonds-14k-gold

I literally could not stop smiling once we left the store...and I nearly cried as we left the mall! I have to get it sized since it's a little big, but it fits enough that I can wear it for a while. I'm not ready to let it leave my sights for a few weeks at least :)

edit: I think my Armour meds (for my thyroid) are giving me headaches. I'm going to try to take them at night instead of the morning...if that doesn't work, I may try splitting the dose. 15 days until my next follow-up with my OB. Hopefully I can figure out how to take my Armour without my head feeling like it's going to explode...and maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant by then. Here's hoping!

Update

I had my followup with my OB this past Friday...and right when I went to give a urine sample so they could do a pregnancy test, I started spotting. AF picked up later that evening.

At the appt, I found out that DH's semen is good. Morpholoy was borderline low/average 6-8%, but OB said that wasn't anything to worry about. His counts were great, volume was fine and motility was Grade A, meaning he has fast swimmers and they swim in a straight line (this part made DH very happy)! So DH isn't the problem.

I told Dr. T that I O'ed on CD18, to which he said was kind of late according to the plan he had given me (sex cd12-16). I told him we just kept on having sex until I O'ed, but by then, I was tired. He said next month still take the Femara on CD5-9, but wait until the OPK is + until we start having sex for 5 days. Which worries me. I always ovulate the day after a + OPK...so wouldn't it be sort of late to wait for that? I'm thinking of trying SMEP and then doing it 3 days straight once I get the +. Thoughts?

I also asked about my bloodwork results from July that I had forgotten to ask about at the last appt. He said my TSH levels were a little high at 3.4 and was pretty sure I have Hashimoto's thryoiditis. Normal levels for when TTC are between 1-2. I had bloodwork redrawn and have to call in this morning for results and hopefully meds. I've started doing some research and got worried when I read that 3.4 might be the reason we've been having trouble TTC. Either way, I'm glad my OB is on top of and realizes that it is a concern!

CD4 today and need to get Femara filled so I can start it again tomorrow.