Stand

The last few days have been an emotional whirlwind for me. Not only for me personally, but also for a couple people that I know. And all of it is starting to bring up feelings from my miscarriages last year. I'm also starting to question my own fertility.

Today is CD31 and still no ovulation. I know that April was a very stressful month for me and I have a feeling that is why I haven't ovulated. I started this month with a kidney stone that decided to pass on the way to the ER. Then a week later, DH and I got into the car accident. Also, things at work have been really crazy. There are so many events going on right now...and the marketing department is in overdrive.

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A friend of mine contacted me on facebook a couple weeks ago and told me she was pregnant. This was prior to her making the big announcement to everyone on her friends list. At first, it took my breath away. She is the wife of a guy I was good friends with in high school. We've only met a couple times, but I feel very close to her since her husband and I used to be so close. I was upset by the news because a.) he always said he didn't want kids (even though she did) and b.) they don't even live together right now (they live in different states). So my first reaction was jealousy...why does a couple get pregnant that isn't actively trying and half of the couples has always said he never wanted kids. And they don't even live together...so the opportunity to get together to conceive is even smaller. I kept comparing myself to them...and why it couldn't have been me that was pregnant.

But a few days went by and I had a chance to process the news...so I sent her a message telling her congrats and that I really was happy for them, even if I didn't act like it upon first hearing the news. We messaged back and forth a few times...and she then told me she had some bleeding but her doctor said it was probably stress. In the back of my mind, I was reminded of when I had spotting and my mom and doctor told me it happened to lots of women...and so long as it wasn't red or I wasn't cramping, it was normal. Ultimately my spotting was a sign of losing my baby...so I couldn't help but wonder if hers was too. I kept the information to myself in case hers was just normal spotting. I didn't want to scare her if there was no reason for it.

A week later, she messages me that she had went to the doctor for an ultrasound and he told her she had a missed miscarriage and would need a D&C. My heart sank. I instantly felt awful for being jealous of her pregnancy. And I felt sad that she was going to have to experience all the pain that I had gone through.

She had the D&C in office (not in a hospital) and was awake the entire time. They let her husband sit with her during the procedure and hold her hand. She said she cried the entire time. I can't imagine what that must've been like. I had been through the pain of miscarrying naturally (which was the most awful experience of my life), but for my D&C I was put out. Isn't it bad enough to experience the pain of loss, but to feel everything during the D&C...and know that you're losing your baby during the whole thing...I can't imagine.

I sent her kind words of sympathy...and told her I knew what she was going through and to call if she needed anything. I remember when it happened to me, just knowing that people were thinking of me and cared...that was all I needed.

The whole situation has been heavy on my mind the past couple weeks. It brings me back to when I was in her shoes...I remember every detail...every tear I shed...and feeling like I'd never been able to crawl out of the darkness. But here I am, almost 9 months later, a second miscarriage behind me, and I am still standing. I have my good days and bad days, and ultimately the healing will never be fully complete, but I've made it. And I've realized the best thing I know to do is comfort others who have been where I have been.

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Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend 'til you break
Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

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Then I have days where I feel like I can't go on...or I lose hope. 

Then...bam...a success story! And I realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Last week, when fellow blogger Maria announced she was pregnant, I was ecstatic. If you haven't read her blog yet, you should start from the beginning. After 6 miscarriages, she still hadn't given up. Now...finally...pregnant. And it gives me so much hope. I know that I can become a stronger person...and I can handle anything He gives me.

I do believe it will happen for me. When it's time. I just have to keep living my life and believing.

And with stories like Maria's, how can I not? :)